How to Improve Communication in Relationships

It’s a remarkable thing when you stop long enough to think about it. Two people, raised in different homes, having minds and needs and dreams and tastes of their own, finding each other in this big wide world, and somehow closing the distance between themselves to fall in love. Relationships with other people are small miracles when you consider all the different things that can go wrong or prevent a relationship from taking off, such as poor communication in relationships.

In any relationship, particularly a romantic relationship, one of the keys to success is having good communication. It’s been said before that good communication is the lifeblood of a healthy relationship, and it’s true. Wherever you find yourself, you can always stand to improve your ability to communicate with others, and this article aims to help you do just that.

The Importance of Communication in Relationships

How do two people live life together? If they have different needs, tolerances, ideas, and dreams for themselves, one possibility is that they’ll pull in two different directions, perhaps destroying the relationship. Good communication is one way to harmonize two lives so that a couple, or friends, or a parent and their child can live their lives together and help each other to flourish.

Communication matters primarily because we aren’t a telepathic or clairvoyant species. People aren’t mind readers; the Lord gave us speech and the ability to express ourselves, creating an opportunity to love each other. Each person’s thoughts are their own, and no one else can share them. Communication allows us to interact with each other across those boundaries.

It is through communication that we make our minds known. It’s how we express those hopes, dreams, thoughts, ideas, expectations, fears, and goals to each other. We express our feelings, our support, our comfort, and our disapproval both through our words and our non-verbal cues such as tone of voice, facial expressions, hand gestures, body posture, and so on.

If you don’t communicate and express yourself to others, they are only left trying to guess what you need or want. This is one reason why giving someone the silent treatment is often ineffective and counterproductive. You might be angry, yes, but silence is a blank canvas, and it could mean something or nothing. If the other person doesn’t respond to that silence in the way you want, you could be left feeling even more frustrated.

Challenges to Good Communication in Relationships

Couples that don’t communicate well do not start their relationship with that as their goal. Often, some habits creep in or that were already present from the beginning and didn’t get corrected, and these can erode the couple’s ability to communicate well. Over time, the couple can increasingly become unable to communicate effectively with each other, and the problems that develop from that can become harder to overcome.

Some of the challenges to good communication come in the form of realities like a shortage of time. Life can get busy, and result in not having time carved out to connect meaningfully. Couples can find themselves communicating for purely functional purposes. There’s nothing wrong with this because it is important to know who’s going grocery shopping or taking the dog to the vet, but a relationship is more than these things.

In a healthy relationship, people share themselves and the details of their lives. This vulnerability with the mundane details of our existence, as well as the deeper things like our dreams and fears, is the glue that holds a relationship together. A couple could lose that ability to be vulnerable due to a betrayal of some kind, or due to experiences of indifference from a loved one. You’re unlikely to share if the other person seems not to care.

Other challenges to good communication include poor listening skills. Have you ever had a conversation with someone, where they looked as if they wished they were anywhere else? Their eyes were glued to their phone, or their verbal and non-verbal cues were out of sync with what you’re saying, and when you ask them later about what you were talking about, it’s clear they weren’t listening. Poor listening is a huge obstacle to communication.

Lastly, conflict can be a huge barrier to effective communication. People in a relationship will disagree with each other, but conflict can escalate if the conversation becomes about personalities and not resolving the issue. Conflict can diminish the ability to meet each other halfway if you don’t start out with a commitment to seeing the best in each other and fixing problems before they get out of hand.

Improving Your Communication

No one is born an amazing communicator. We learn communication skills as we go through life, and we sometimes also pick up some bad habits that hinder effective communication. Some ways to improve your communication include the following:

Don’t make assumptions

When you’ve been around the block a few times, it can make you feel self-assured. That isn’t necessarily a bad thing, because you should learn from experience and grow in your ability to recognize patterns and become discerning. However, the downside of it is when you start making assumptions and stop paying attention to your present context and conversation.

If you make assumptions about what your loved one is saying, you can find yourself interrupting them or trying to meet a need that doesn’t need your attention. In other words, assumptions get in the way of listening to what is being said, which can worsen the situation.

Communicate clearly

One assumption that couples can make is that the other person knows (or should know) what you need, why you need it, and how to meet that need. It’s better to say what you want as clearly as possible in words than to try and communicate via innuendo. The result is often frustration for both parties.

Handle your anger

Anger is one of several emotions that can hinder effective communication. When you’re angry, you’re less likely to listen, and more eager to get your point across. Anger can blind your judgment, and it can deafen you to nuance. When you get into a situation where you need to talk with your loved one, take a breath and a step back so that you listen more and talk less (James 1:19-20).

Talk more

If you want to get better at something, you should do it more often. Talking more isn’t necessarily about filling space with more words. Rather, it’s about creating more opportunities to connect and learn from one another. It’s about creating space to be vulnerable with each other so that you can trust each other more. When you know your loved one’s heart better, it’s easier to give them the benefit of the doubt.

Listen well

Communication isn’t just about talking. Listening well is a huge component of good communication. When you listen, you gain awareness and a better appreciation of where the other person is coming from. Being a good listener might require you to put away distractions and give your full and undivided attention to the speaker. Let the other person know you’re here and fully present.

Other ways to listen well include asking questions to gain clarity. Rephrase what they said in your own words to make sure you’ve understood them. Don’t jump in and finish their sentences; allow them to figure out what they want to say in their own words. As they’re talking, don’t rush to judgment or already be thinking up responses to what they’ve said. Use your eye contact and posture to indicate interest.

Next Steps

Good communication in relationships can leave both parties feeling heard, and that is important in any relationship. It isn’t easy to communicate well; there are bad habits that may need to be overcome and new skills that you may need to learn. With time and effort, however, you and your partner can become better communicators. You can seek help from a couples counselor at California Christian Counseling who can walk with you as you learn conflict resolution and healthy communication skills.