Premarital Counseling

The last thing you might want to do as you and your beloved prepare for nuptial bliss is to slow down and start poking around your relationship. It seems like inviting trouble for no good reason. Actually, the opposite is true. Premarital counseling helps a couple to better prepare for their life together by creating a space for them to deepen their relationship and understand one another better.

It can help to identify any areas that might become flash points later in the relationship, helping you to nip it in the bud or become prepared to deal with it. The purpose behind premarital counseling is to strengthen the relationship, clarify expectations and provide practical tools to handle the inevitable difficulties that characterize life in general and married life in particular.

The rush of dopamine and other neurochemicals sometimes makes us blind not only to ourselves but to what being with one another will look like over the long haul. Far from being a buzzkill, premarital counseling allows you to create a solid foundation for your future relationship, safeguarding it.

Premarital counseling can take place either just between the couple and their counselor, or they can join a few other couples in group counseling. Sessions are around an hour or so, and they may happen once a week for eight to ten weeks. The length may vary depending on the areas the couple wishes to cover, but sometimes there are predetermined sessions that a couple works through to ensure that the various bases are covered. Sessions can take place either in person or online.

The counselor will typically ask questions of the couple, and they will share their reflections and insights. In some sessions, there may be exercises the couple do to enhance communication and intimacy, or to address conflict. Additionally, the couples may be given exercises to do outside of the session, and they’ll give feedback on how it went at their next session. In a group setting, the couples present will share their insights and stories as well as participate in exercises. Part of the group dynamic also typically results in mutual encouragement and accountability for the couples present.

The goal of premarital counseling is to enable the couple to make their choice of one another with open eyes, and to equip them to walk into their marriage with confidence. In the process, some couples may discover that marriage with their prospective partner may not be wise for one reason or another.

Premarital counseling is designed to help a couple make this decision now rather than later. This is sometimes the reason couples are wary of premarital counseling – they want to let sleeping dogs lie, and premarital counseling seems to them like looking for trouble where there is none. However, premarital counseling helps a couple to discover sooner than later what is or would be an issue, giving them the option of whether they want to proceed or not. It is better to make a life-altering decision like marriage with all available information in hand.

Premarital counseling addresses a wide range of topics for discussion. Depending on your sessions and areas that might require more attention than others, you may cover some or all these questions in depth.

Goals and goal setting. Premarital counseling can help a couple to set their life goals as individuals and as a couple, along with helping them be effective in setting and meeting goals together. Couples often must negotiate questions of professional development, financial goals, and more. Being aware of what you want to accomplish as individuals and as a couple helps you better prepare for that life together.

Money.One of the key issues that can cause marital discord is finances, and fights over money are one of several major reasons why people get divorced. Your finances affect much of your life as a couple, from whether you can buy a house, whether and where you can take vacations,the worthy causes or charities you can support, whether you can afford kids, etc.

Each couple must make important decisions about their finances, including whether to be a dual-income household or not, who is responsible for balancing the checkbook, managing savings and investments, and how you spend, save, invest,or giving.It may seem obvious but understanding what counts as good financial decision-making isn’t universally agreed upon, and so these and many other conversations need to be had so the couple is on the same page.

Roles. When two people meet and start a life together, they are bringing a mix of life histories and experiences into the relationship. Sometimes their values are explicit and spoken, but often we carry values without being aware of them. Premarital counseling provides an opportunity for the couple to talk openly about those values and expectations.

While it may seem simple and obvious, it is important to understand one another regarding the roles each partner will play. Who will work, who will take care of the kids, who will take out the trash, who takes care of maintenance around the house,etc., are some areas where clarity is helpful. Whether the couple sticks to the traditional division of labor or divides tasks according to gifting and interest, having the conversation is important so that the couple agrees.

Love and Sex. Sexual intimacy is an important part of a marriage relationship. That physical and emotional connection between a couple binds them in important ways, but each couple comes to the questions around sex with potentially different experiences, expectations, fears, and hopes. There are questions about how frequently the couple expects to have sex, whether they will experiment with sex, and what boundaries they will set in their relationship.

Setting boundaries is important. Not only does a couple need to talk openly about sex, but it’s also important that they understand how best to show love to one another. People receive and give love in different ways.

For some people, getting gifts is what warms their hearts, while for their partner they would rather spend quality time with a loved one. The ways we enjoy giving and receiving love can change over time, and premarital counseling can help a couple be aware of such dynamics.

Family. Premarital counseling can help the couple to think through not only how they will manage their own nuclear family, but their extended families as well. Some people have tight-knit bonds in their families, and holidays are spent together. For others, extended family is a sore subject.It’s important for a couple to think through what their expectations are about where they will spend holidays, how often they will visit family and so on.

Setting healthy boundaries that work for the couple is important. Additionally, the couple can explore how they want to organize their own nuclear family. Not everyone wants children, and it’s good to know that from the start. If biological children aren’t a possibility, some couples consider adoption. Premarital counseling can unearth expectations around children or even explore values and parenting styles ahead of time.

Spirituality and worship.For people of faith, a relationship with God is important and they want to nurture it.Will you cultivate this relationship in a community, and if so, which one? Will you cultivate your spiritual disciplines (fasting, prayer, etc.) together or separately? What role will you play in keeping one another accountable for your spiritual growth?

Use of Time.Our lives are busier than ever, so how you use that time is a more pressing question than ever before. Whether you use your leisure time to play sport, learn a language or skill, spend it with friends or your partner are all important considerations. Some people need alone time to recharge, while others recharge by connecting with people. Negotiate what works well for you as a couple.

Addressing conflict. In every relationship, there will be some disagreements and conflict. People handle conflict differently, with some avoiding it, while others are more confrontational.Premarital counseling can help a couple to develop their communication and conflict management skills.

Social media. With the advent of the internet and internet-ready devices, social media has become a presence in our lives. We spend time posting memories and our thoughts, engaging in discussions and debates, and catching up with others online. A person’s digital presence and profile are taken as an important expression of themselves.

Some people feel comfortable displaying their lives on social media, while others prefer a more private/offline existence. Do you post the pictures of your last holiday on social media or not? Can you “friend” or “follow” an ex on social media? More than ever, couples must discuss these questions and establish boundaries to prevent issues from cropping up in the future.

Christian premarital counseling can help a couple to understand God’s design for marriage and how best they can serve one another in the marriage. The story of a marriage is bigger than the couple as it draws them into the grand drama of the relationship that Jesus Christ has with his bride, the Church. That relationship between God and his people is a paradigm that ought to shape how a couple relates to one another (Ephesians 5:22-33).

Going for premarital counseling is wise and advisable for all couples, regardless of their age, level of education, ethnicity, socio-economic background, or whether they’ve been married before.Creating space to address issues and questions ahead of time, as well as learn the skills needed to navigate married life may be the best thing you can do to prepare for and strengthen the foundation of your future marriage.