Important Questions to Ask Before Marriage to See if You’re a Good Fit

No matter how well you and your special someone think you know each other, there are topics you should talk about before marriage just to make sure you are both truly compatible and on the same page regarding your priorities and goals.

You may be surprised at some of the needs and expectations for your life together that surface when you ask the right questions. Having these discussions can help deepen and solidify your bond with each other and build the foundation for a stable marriage or, they can raise eye-opening red flags concerning the future of your intended relationship.

When it comes to marriage, what you don’t know really can hurt you. – Eleanor Stanford

Questions to Ask Before Marriage

Following are some prompts arranged by topic that can help you get your dialogue started. Not all of them need to be addressed in the same conversation. It’s okay for your heart-to-hearts to be informal and take place at your own pace. There are no right or wrong answers. Really listen to one another and take in what is being said without arguing or judging, and try to understand each other’s perspectives, even if you disagree.

Questions about marriage.

• What first attracted you to each other?
• Why do you want to get married?
• What is your vision of married life?
• What do you think is unique about your relationship?
• What do you expect your role to be in the marriage?
• What do you think your biggest challenge might be?
• What do you think you will have to give up when you get married?
• What traits do you most admire in each other?
• Are you and your intended the best of friends?
• Is there chemistry between the two of you?

Questions about finances.

• What was your family’s attitude toward money?
• What is your credit score?
• Do you have any debts?
• Do you use credit cards?
• What is your income?
• What do you think about money and how important is it to you?
• Are you a saver or a spender?
• Would you rather spend money on experiences or belongings?
• Do you have a savings account?
• What are your financial goals?
• What are your thoughts on saving?
• Do you use a budget?
• How will we make a budget?
• Who will handle the finances?
• How should we decide on major purchases?
• How will we pay our bills?
• Should we have joint or separate bank accounts and/or credit cards?
• Will we share expenses?
• Should the money we earn be yours, mine, or ours?
• Should we create a prenuptial agreement?

Questions about children and parenting.

• Do you want children?
• How many children would you like to have?
• When would you like to start a family?
• What are you willing to do if we can’t have children naturally?
• Who will be the children’s primary caregiver, or will we share parenting duties?
• What does being a good parent mean to you?
• How will we share household responsibilities?
• How will we discipline our children?
• How will we handle work and childcare?
• Will we both continue to work after having children or will one of us stay home?
• What are the most important values you would want to teach our children?
• What family traditions would you want to implement?
• How will we spend holidays?

Questions about extended family.

• How do you feel about my family?
• Who is your favorite and least favorite member of my family and why?
• Whose family will we spend holidays with?
• How much do you expect your family to be involved in our life?
• How did your family spend holidays?
• What traditions did your family have?
• How did your parents discipline you?
• What did you like best about your parents’ relationship with one another?

Questions about your living situation.

• Where would you like to live long-term?
• What kind of home would you like to live in?
• Do you want to buy or rent?
• Who will be responsible for taking care of the lawn or yard?
• How do you feel about clutter?
• What kind of vacations would you like or expect to take?

Questions about communication styles in marriage.

• How would you describe your communication style?
• Is it easy for you to talk about your needs?
• Are you willing to be open and honest even when it feels hard or uncomfortable?
• What would make you not want to talk to me?

Questions about conflict in marriage.

• How do you handle conflict?
• How did your family handle conflict?
• How do you deal with stress?
• How do you express anger?
• What about me annoys you the most?
• How do you feel when I disagree with you?

Questions about work and career.

• Are you working in your chosen field?
• How many hours a week do you work?
• Is your work a career or just a job?
• What are your career goals?
• If I get offered a dream job that requires relocating, would you be willing to move?
• Do you have a retirement plan?
• What would you like to do after you retire?

Questions about values and spiritual beliefs.

• What do you value most in life?
• What are your religious beliefs?
• Do you have a spiritual life?
• How important is your faith to you?
• How much do you expect me to be involved in your religious activities?
• What faith do you expect our children to be raised in?
• What are your political views?
• Would having different political views be a problem for you?

Questions about health.

• Have you ever had surgery or a serious illness?
• Have you ever been treated for a mental disorder?
• Were there any addictions in your family?
• Do you use recreational drugs?
• Are there any foods you cannot eat?
• Do you have any allergies?
• Do you exercise regularly?
• How much alcohol do you consume?

Questions about sex and romance.

• What do you consider romantic?
• How important is romance to you?
• What are your expectations about sex?
• What do you enjoy most about sex?
• Do you use pornography?
• What is your definition of infidelity?
• What kinds of things make you feel the most loved?
• What turns you off sexually?

Questions about friends.

• Do you think it is okay to stay friends with a past girlfriend or boyfriend?
• Is it okay to keep photos or letters from past relationships?
• Is it okay to have a friend of the opposite sex?
• How much time is it okay for me to spend with my friends?

Questions about how you like to spend your time.

• How much time do you spend on social media?
• Is alone time important to you?
• Are you okay with my doing things without you?
• Do you have any hobbies?
• What do you like to do in your free time?
• What are your favorite activities?
• What helps you relax?

Questions about boundaries and deal breakers.

• Is there anything you are not willing to give up once we are married?
• What things do you feel should be kept private?
• What would you consider to be a deal breaker?

Christian premarital counseling

If you feel you could use some help navigating through these topics with your intended partner, consider reaching out to one of the faith-based counselors at California Christian Counseling. Therapy provides a safe space where you can talk openly about your relationship, as well as your plans, preferences, and expectations under the guidance of a trained, impartial, nonjudgmental marriage counselor in California.