5 Signs of Emotional Abuse in Marriage

Emotional abuse is one of the more difficult forms of abuse to identify because it doesn’t leave any visible scars. For example, a person dating an emotionally abusive person can become so desensitized to abuse years into their relationship that they don’t recognize the abuse.

A person can go years without noticing that their mood is being impacted by and stemming from emotional abuse. A good relationship should feel like both parties are honored, cherished, and valued. If one party does not feel this way, it is an emotionally abusive marriage. People must see the warning signs of emotional abuse.

Some people ignore these signs, citing “psychobabble” or other ways of discounting the problem instead of looking more deeply into it. As a result, the victim of emotional abuse is being robbed of having a healthy relationship and healthy self-esteem. Here are five ways to identify emotional abuse in marriage.

Coercion or Control

The highly controlling person will check out your whereabouts, where you’ve been, what you’ve worn or eaten, etc. This person doesn’t honor you for who you are. They are insecure about who they are and desperate for someone to love them. They may deceive themselves into thinking that you don’t love them, and when they do, they control your every move.

Although not physical in nature, this type of abuse can place undeserved guilt and shame on someone who is just going about their business. People who control in this way want to avoid the pain of being left or the pain of being rejected. Anyone who is constantly questioned about where they are, what they’re doing, what they’re wearing, and having their location tracked could be subject to emotional abuse.

This behavior does not honor their relationship. The person will see themselves as feeling like that person loves and cares for them, but they only care about themselves. A way to get around coercion and control is simply not to share your whereabouts. Turn your location tracking off on your phone. Change the passwords on your e-mail and social media accounts.

Control has no place in a loving relationship. The person should not force you to tell them where you are. You are not at fault. There needs to be a certain level of trust in a healthy relationship. If there’s not, then it’s best to seek some help.

Manipulation

Manipulation occurs when someone gets you to believe something that is not true. A manipulative person will tell you that you did not see or hear what is taking place. For example, if you question their amount of control, they will deny that they are controlling and flip it so that you are to blame.

Manipulation is also when one states something one way, but the real reason is something else. The real reason is to meet an emotional need; they’re trying to get their needs met through you. A manipulative person is hard to spot because they’ve been manipulating you for a long time.

Giving in when a person pushes you to do something even after you’ve refused can give way to more manipulation. When you finally refuse them, it angers them; it may cause a fight or quarrel. Watch for the warning signs. If someone is manipulating you, refuse to be manipulated anymore.

Gaslighting

Gaslighting is defined as “a form of psychological abuse or manipulation in which the abuser attempts to sow self-doubt and confusion in their victim’s mind. Typically, gaslighters seek to gain power and control over the other person by distorting reality and forcing them to question their judgment and intuition.”

This behavior happens when someone denies or blames the behavior on the victim. This action also happens when someone does not take responsibility for their actions. This is a common manipulation tactic in which the other person flips the blame onto the other person.

This action makes the victim question whether their perception of events is true and their feelings are valid. However, gaslighters are good at convincing other people that the other person is at fault and not them.

Gaslighting is also difficult to pinpoint and change because the victims are normally in conflict with the gaslighter. A person who is good at manipulation can convince even professionals like counselors to see things from their perspective. Eventually, someone will discover the gaslighter’s behavior, but it often takes a long time to be noticed and recognized for what it is, creating shame and guilt.

A gaslighting victim should write down any situations in which they feel this is taking place. They should take careful notes on what happened, what was said, and how the person flipped it so the victim can take responsibility. They should then seek help from someone who can help them discern what is happening.

If the person is truly gaslighting, they need to be held responsible for their behavior. A witness or an advocate on the victim’s behalf will help bring clarity, provide relief that it is not only in their mind, and help the victim create and follow through with boundaries.

Degradation or Condemnation

This more than likely happens with words. Condemnation is when a person is constantly being put down, called names, and mocked because of their behavior, personality, or issues and is subject to emotional abuse. While we must continuously work to grow into greater Christlikeness, one party should honor the other by loving them exactly as they are.

The person should not feel degraded because they wear a particular outfit, eat something, or don’t do something up to the other party’s standard. If one party has such an issue with the other, it may be time to terminate the relationship. Degradation or mockery has no place in a healthy relationship. That person should not feel mocked because they hold a particular view contrary to the other person’s belief.

Refusal to Let Go

Another aspect of an unhealthy relationship is someone who refuses to let go of another person’s offense. This is where forgiveness is vital. Forgiveness is essential to a healthy relationship, whether the person is a believer or unbeliever. While forgiveness is possible, it does not mean reconciliation is always recommended or guaranteed.

Both parties must take responsibility for areas where they’ve done wrong. If they have hurt them, issue an apology to the other party. But if the other party still refuses to let it go or brings it up during every argument and treats the person as if they are still doing that behavior, it’s a form of emotional abuse.

Is restoration possible?

Giving an abuser the chance to change can be complicated. If a person continues their behavior and there is proof of continued sinful behavior, it is evident that they are unrepentant. This is where you would want to question it and bring it up in the hopes that that person will change.

If the person has repented and changed, and you see no evidence of that behavior taking place, healing and restoration are possible. God is faithful and forgives us as far as the East is from the West. He forgives all our sins and chooses to remember them no more. He does not hold these things against us because Jesus on the cross has already atoned for those sins.

Even when there is true repentance, however, a couple should seek Christian counseling to help the abuser change their behaviors long-term and learn healthy ways of communicating and relating to their spouse. Rebuilding trust and intimacy can take time and commitment. It is imperative not to ignore your emotions because faith is not ignoring your mind; it’s training it.

Emotional abuse is difficult to spot. But by taking the suggestions above, both parties can enjoy healthy relationships if they take responsibility, repent, and honor the other person. God can heal marriages.

If you have faced any of the above-mentioned issues, struggled with relationships, are facing a divorce, and/or are ready to commit to counseling and restoring your marriage after abuse, contact our office today to schedule an appointment with me or one of the other counselors in our online directory.