Understanding and Respecting Boundaries

Have you ever shared a picture of a friend online without getting their permission? Or used something that belonged to someone else without first asking if it was okay? Or texted a co-worker about a project you are working on when he or she was on vacation? If so, you may have been respecting boundaries, even if you didn’t mean to.

What are boundaries?

Boundaries are lines that separate one person from another, creating a space between them that enables them to have their own identity. They are limits we set to protect our time and energy, help us stand up for our needs and the things that are important to us, and define what is and what is not okay in our relationships, whether with friends, family members, co-workers, or a boss.

Boundaries are unique to each person and can change over time. They can also vary in individual situations. You may, for instance, have a different set of boundaries with a best friend than you do with a co-worker or a casual acquaintance.

People with healthy boundaries take responsibility for their lives, are appropriately flexible, and respect the boundaries of other people. They accept one another as being distinct, but still valuable, and appreciate their differences rather than being upset by them.

Types of boundaries

People set different types of boundaries to reflect their varying needs and expectations in different areas of their lives. These can be physical, emotional, mental, material, or time-and-energy-related, to name a few. Physical boundaries, for instance, relate to how comfortable you are with being touched, or who you are comfortable sharing physical space with. Emotional boundaries, on the other hand, would refer to thoughts or feelings you are comfortable sharing with others, as well as topics you don’t want to talk about.

The importance of respecting boundaries

Respecting each other’s boundaries fosters a harmonious, respectful atmosphere free of toxic dynamics, and is key to forming healthy, balanced, fulfilling relationships.

Respecting another person’s boundaries shows that you care about their emotional well-being, and helps build a sense of trust and security. It creates a safe, comfortable space free of toxic dynamics, where people feel valued and respected.

Disregarding one another’s boundaries creates stress, fosters resentment, and erodes any sense of trust or security in the relationship.

Tips for nurturing mutual respect in your relationships

Learn about boundaries

Understanding what boundaries are and why they are important is an important first step toward better respecting them.

Communicate clearly

Clear communication is key to knowing what the other person is comfortable with and letting your boundaries be known to him or her. Be respectful, attentive to what they are saying, and genuinely committed to understanding and validating their needs and preferences rather than just making assumptions or expecting them to do things they didn’t say they would.

Seek clarification

When in doubt, clarify if something is okay for you to do before you do it, so you are both on the same page and can honor the other person’s expressed limits and desires.

Pay attention to non-verbal cues

Be mindful of body language and facial expressions. They can provide important non-verbal cues to help gauge the other person’s comfort level, and whether you may be making them feel uncomfortable by inadvertently pushing a boundary.

Be empathetic

Be empathetic and considerate even if you don’t see eye to eye with the other person, and if you inadvertently cross their boundaries, be quick to apologize and amend your behavior so you don’t repeat it down the road.

Respect the other person’s autonomy

Everyone has different needs. Be willing to respect the other person’s autonomy rather than assume you know what is best for them. Honor their boundaries even if they seem silly to you or you don’t agree with them, and accept “no” as an answer without taking it personally. Don’t try to guilt them for having boundaries that are different from yours or try to pressure them to change.

Be mindful

Being aware of your thoughts and actions and the impact they have will foster a mindful approach to your interactions with others. This ensures you are being considerate of their feelings, respectful of their boundaries, and enables you to recognize when you are about to cross a boundary so you can adjust your behavior before you do so.

Are boundaries biblical?

The Bible tells us that God set up boundaries to protect us and enable us to have healthy relationships with Him and one another. But He also gave us the freedom to respect them or not. When we do, we are blessed; when we do not, there are consequences to pay.

Do not be deceived: God cannot be mocked. A man reaps what he sows. Whoever sows to please their flesh, from the flesh will reap destruction; whoever sows to please the Spirit; from the Spirit will reap eternal life. – Galatians 6:7-8, NIV

Throughout His life on Earth, Jesus also modeled boundaries for us by being intentional about everything He did. There were times, for instance, when His priority was to spend time alone with His Father.

Yet the news about him spread all the more, so that crowds of people came to hear him and to be healed of their sicknesses. But Jesus often withdrew to lonely places and prayed. – Luke 5:15-16, NIV

When we become Christians, the Holy Spirit starts to convict us of anything that is not in line with the heart of God for us. We sense a need to be more mindful of the things we say, watch, and listen to, as well as the type of people we hang out with.

Those who live according to the flesh have their minds set on what the flesh desires; but those who live in accordance with the Spirit have their minds set on what the Spirit desires. The mind governed by the flesh is death, but the mind governed by the Spirit is life and peace. – Romans 8:5-6, NIV

We are exhorted to replace old thoughts and actions with a new set of priorities.

Finally, brothers and sisters, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable – if anything is excellent or praiseworthy – think about such things. – Philippians 4:8, NIV

God does not expect us to be mind readers. When we set boundaries, we need to follow His example and not expect people to read our minds or predict our wants and needs. Boundaries have to be communicated clearly in order to be respected. We cannot hold people accountable for things we have not made clear.

If you have questions about this article on respecting boundaries or need more help than what it could provide, please don’t hesitate to give our office a call to set up a risk-free appointment to meet with one of the faith-based counselors in our online directory.

Christian counseling to help with respecting boundaries

Counseling sessions provide a safe, supportive space in which you can explore and address boundary issues, gain a better understanding of boundaries, and discover why you have a hard time identifying or respecting them. A counselor at California Christian Counseling can offer practical advice, and equip you with coping strategies to help you successfully navigate your relationships. Contact us today.