Relationship Advice for Men Who Lead

If you are a man who holds a leadership position, you will realize that relationships are important. This article offers relationship advice for men in leadership positions from the standpoint of the “Drama Triangle.”

Do you see yourself acting in any or all of these three roles described as the “Drama Triangle”? Originally described by Stephen Karpman, the triangle plots the route of destructive interactions between people in conflict. Karpman’s interest in acting influenced this description to explain that this model does not represent the actual participant, but rather how they feel and act.

As you read through this widely respected method of reversing downward spirals of conflict into upward virtuous cycles of cooperation remember not to tag your identity onto any of the descriptions, but rather accept and deal with the fact that your feelings and actions may well have aligned with the roles described.

This is useful relationship advice that can be used widely and is as applicable at the office as it is in the home. Take for example two children who return home from school. One is being mean to another and the one that is hurt appeals to the parent, who brings peace.

Relationship advice and the roles of the Drama Triangle

The Drama Triangle labels these roles as the victim, the persecutor, and the rescuer. The difficulty presented by the victim or persecutor is dealt with by the rescuer and goes away.

Why is this a problem? Look at it from the perspective of someone at work: The victim does not figure out how to solve difficulties by themselves. Ideally, both the persecutor and the victim should be able to resolve their issues without appealing to someone in authority to assist them.

Ideally, it is good relationship advice to move from the drama triangle to the Empowerment Dynamic. In this model, each role is characterized by self-sufficiency and being able to solve their problems.

If you look at each of the roles of the Drama Triangle, after some thought you will realize that you can simultaneously be in different roles in different areas of your life. Perhaps at work, you are a rescuer because you enjoy being seen as someone excellent at problem-solving, and the kind things that they say about you make you feel appreciated.

However, at home, you may be the victim. Perhaps you do not have as much influence at home as your spouse does and they rule the roost.

Consider the characteristics of the three roles:

Victim

A victim feels helpless. This is revealed in abdicative, avoidant behavior and, when confronted about the issue, they resort to the language of complaint. Do you or someone you know ask questions like, “Why is this happening to me?”, or say “There is nothing I can do about it, I am mistreated by circumstances and people”?

Persecutor

A persecutor is known for their aggressive behavior and words. They dominate and criticize, and are often aggressive, protective, and angry. The language of the persecutor is often the language of blame. This is revealed by statements like, “This is your fault”; “What’s the matter with you, why did you do it like that?”; and “What is wrong with you?”.

Rescuer

A rescuer shields others from the consequences of their actions. Acting and speaking in this way makes them feel like others need them, that they are superior, important, validated, and powerful. The language that the rescuer uses is, “I feel sorry for you”, “Let me help you”, or (and in not so many words) “I’ll just do it myself because I can do it better than you can do it”.

Pause and take a look at the list again, which of these roles do you gravitate toward?

Do you have certain roles that you adopt at home and others at work? Alternatively, perhaps you resort to different roles at the office as the audience changes: When you are speaking to your direct subordinates you adopt the stance and language of the rescuer (I will solve your problem for you), but when interacting with those senior to you, you use the language of the victim (It is not my fault that things are going wrong).

Or perhaps you change along with circumstances: When speaking with those who report to you during times of plenty you are the rescuer, but during times of scarcity and stress you become the persecutor.

Now consider: How do you unshackle yourself from the no-win roles associated with the Drama Triangle and mature toward the approaches of an Empowerment Dynamic?

Flipping the Drama Triangle to the empowerment dynamic

The Empowerment Dynamic is the counterpoint to the Drama Triangle and describes healthy roles to replace those that are constricting and imprisoning. Through a better understanding of the Empowerment Dynamic, you will be able to move from victim to creator, from persecutor, to challenger, and from rescuer to coach.

Victim to creator

Shifting from behaving like a victim to behaving like a creator requires you to shift from reacting to choosing. A creator is different from a victim in that they accept responsibility and make choices. They feel capable, competent, resourceful, and resilient.

The language of a creator is the language of commitment, and can be seen when they say: “The outcome of my project will be…” “The learning I am getting from this circumstance is…” or “I choose to…” This language is the opposite of the victim who deflects blame and abdicates responsibility.

Persecutor to challenger

Persecutor to challenger is characterized by the responsibility to create in others. They feel clear, confident, centered, and committed. The language of a challenge is the language of change: “I believe you can do better than this” “What I need you to do is this…” or “Have you tried to take a different approach?”

The challenger shows others that they believe in them and believe that they can do better than what they are currently doing. At no point does the challenger blame or shame others but challenges and encourages them.

Rescuer to coach

Rescuer to coach is seen when leaders (who often think they are helping by rescuing others) realize that rescuing behavior enables co-dependent behavior and attitudes from those who report to them. As a result, the junior staff are not trained to solve problems on their own.

The effects of this are many and include stifling the growth and strength of the organization. A coach supports others in tapping their capabilities. They do not give them the answers. The coach feels supportive, optimistic, non-attached, and has a sense of contribution.

The language of a coach is that of questioning and inquiry: “What is it that you really want?”; “What do you see to be your options?” or “What can you choose to do to improve the situation?” A coach does not give the answers but rather asks the questions to help the other person find the answers.

By adopting these behaviors, you slowly shift from the Drama Triangle to an empowerment dynamic. The fruit of this will be seen when the company or family becomes stronger and characterised by people who, through a role model, learn from a creator, challenger, and coach.

As a leader, this will mean you have fewer fires to put out as those who work with you are more able to put them out themselves. You are no longer going around making everyone’s decisions for them.

Remember this challenge

As a leader, you have to be confident. You cannot have your self-worth stem from the fact that you are the one people come to for help with their problems. You must know that this weakness is rooted in the approval of others and leads to poor decisions. This makes any organization such as a company, a family, a school, a church, or a community weaker as a result.

Christian counseling for more relationship advice for men

If you’re looking for additional relationship advice to learn how to adopt the roles of creator, challenger, and coach beyond this article, perhaps in a variety of complex situations and roles, then please browse our online counselor directory or contact our office to find out how we can help you. We would be honored to walk with you on this journey.