Infidelity in Marriage: How to Survive

What is infidelity when it comes to the confines of marriage? As you research you will find that infidelity isn’t just about sexual affairs outside of marriage. When it comes to infidelity the realms of behavior that it can encompass include viewing pornographic material as well as emotional infidelity. Infidelity in marriage consists of behavior that violates the marital boundaries that were set within the vows on your wedding day.

This behavior can also include the simplest behaviors such as your spouse going to dinner with a friend of the opposite sex. It may be nothing more than dinner but, in your boundaries, it feels as if it is betrayal.

But from the beginning of creation, God CREATED THEM MALE AND FEMALE. FOR THIS REASON A MAN SHALL LEAVE HIS FATHER AND MOTHER, AND THE TWO SHALL BECOME ONE FLESH; so they are no longer two, but one flesh. Therefore, what God has joined together, no person is to separate. – Mark 10:6-9, NASB (emphasis added)

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Categories of infidelity in marriage

Unknown to some people, there are categories of infidelity. Each one is based on the circumstances behind them. There are several reasons why people engage in infidelity. The common denominator of all reasons is that there is a feeling that something is missing.

Here is a list of the different categories.

Conflicted romance infidelity:

This is one of the more common categories of infidelity in marriage. This usually happens when the person has a genuine love for two people at the same time.

Romantic infidelity: 

This is the one that most people think happens when you speak of infidelity. It happens when the person has no emotional attachment to their spouse. They are not set on leaving the marriage because they are committed, but they long for an intimate connection with another person.

Opportunistic infidelity:

This occurs when the person has a sexual desire for someone else at an inopportune time. It wasn’t planned, but it happened. A night out with friends could lead to sexual intimacy with another person.

Obligatory infidelity:

When a person needs approval from people other than their spouse, they may engage in infidelity. They feel as though they have been “approved” by others because they were intimate.

Commemorative infidelity: This occurs when the person is only staying in the marriage for obligatory reasons. They feel that infidelity is okay because they are not in love with their spouse.

Object affair infidelity:

This happens when a person decides to pursue an outside interest and neglects the marriage. The object can be anything from work to a hobby that becomes a distraction.

Sexual infidelity: 

This category can be a subcategory for a few of the previously mentioned types. Often these affairs have nothing to do with emotional attachment.

Emotional infidelity: 

This is often characterized by a spouse who has established a relationship outside of the marriage and normally does not involve any type of sexual intimacy.

Cyber infidelity:

This behavior occurs online and typically with someone that is met online with no intentions of ever meeting in person. It leans more toward emotional involvement but can include sexting and chatting.

Most people stay in the marriage because they do not want to face the stigma of having a failed marriage. This can be said of the unfaithful spouse as well as the affected spouse.

Why does infidelity happen?

This is one of the age-old questions that has faced many married couples. Why do people cheat? What causes someone to look outside the marriage for a relationship whether it is platonic or sexual? Many reasons arise from the unfaithful person. These behaviors are not the responsibility of the betrayed spouse.

One of the biggest factors in marriage breakdown is frustration. It can be related to finances or a life change that involves no longer having enough time together.

Here are a few of the most common causes:

• Financial
• Addiction
• Mental health
• Low self-esteem
• Lack of fondness
• Lack of affection
• Communication breakdown
• Busy with children

No matter the cause, infidelity in marriage can be a hard thing to overcome. It takes work from both sides of the situation. There must be an intention from both spouses to work together to forgive and heal. If there are kids involved, they may also need to become involved in moving forward and healing from infidelity.

How do I handle my reactions to infidelity?

Discovering that your spouse has been engaged in infidelity can create a variety of reactions and emotions. From anger to deep sadness, the emotions are typically deep and fleeting. The betrayed spouse may experience a wide range of emotions in a short time.

This is why it is important to be able to gather your thoughts and emotions before reacting to the situation. God’s word gives the best advice about this.

One who gives an answer before he hears, It is foolishness and shame to him. – Proverbs 18:13, NASB

When a person makes rash and hasty decisions, things can be said that will inevitably hinder the healing process. Infidelity in a marriage doesn’t have to result in a divorce, but it will take both spouses to overcome the pain and restore trust.

Be sure to take time to process the situation. Don’t hurry to find out all of the details. Give yourself time to decide how to proceed. This would be the perfect time to connect with a Christian counselor in your area. They can help you work through this process in a way that will promote healing.

During this time, it is highly beneficial to allow space between you and your spouse. Don’t dive into deep discussions about the situation before you’ve had time to grasp what happened. It may even be best to wait until you have made an appointment with a Christian counselor who is familiar with infidelity in marriage.

Remember, healing from infidelity is dependent upon the intentions of the spouses. No one can tell you or your spouse what the best course of action is for you. You must also take into consideration the effect it has on other members of the family when kids are involved.

Mending the marriage.

Forgiveness is one of the hardest things we do in our relationships. No matter the circumstance, forgiveness is hard. We tend to want to remember so that we don’t let it happen again. Sometimes in our thought processes, this means that we have a hard time forgiving. Even though it is hard, it can be done. When we take a biblical approach to forgiveness, we find that it is much easier than we first believed.

Therefore, confess your sins to one another, and pray for one another so that you may be healed. A prayer of a righteous person, when it is brought about, can accomplish much. – James 5:16, NASB

Mending the hurt of infidelity in marriage will take purpose and acceptance. There doesn’t have to be a quick decision to end the marriage. Simply choosing to heal and understand will help the mending process. This can be most beneficial when the unfaithful spouse chooses to be accountable for the behavior.

Another aspect of mending is to consult a Christian counselor. This counselor can give you faith-based principles to follow as you restore trust and begin the process of forgiveness.

When should I end the marriage?

Sometimes some circumstances indicate that ending the marriage is the best choice. Infidelity in marriage isn’t something that always causes an instant reaction to end the marriage. But there are times when one or both spouses agree that there is no reason to continue to save the marriage.

If the unfaithful spouse chooses to remain in a relationship with the other person, then this would be a reason to walk away from the relationship. Each person in the marriage must be accountable and determined to change. If there is no change then there is no healing.

Dishonesty is always a hard thing to overlook. When it comes to infidelity, dishonesty is the number one thing that must change. Everything about the situation hinges on honesty. There is no way to restore trust if there is continued dishonesty.

Before choosing to end the marriage, it is always best to attend counseling together. Learning to work through the situation from a biblical perspective will allow each person to reflect on what it means to them. Contact us today at California Christian Counseling or reach out to a counselor near you to begin your journey toward healing and restoration.