How to Uproot Resentment in Your Relationships

Other people can be simultaneously the source of great joy, and the cause of deep resentment in our lives. If our relationships are going well and we handle them with maturity, they can bring about flourishing. But if handled poorly, our relationships can also stifle our growth as human beings. In every relationship, we’ll inevitably encounter challenges, but what matters is how we meet them, and the tools we have on hand to handle those hardships.

Just as joy and camaraderie can mark our interactions with others, resentment can occur in any relationship, causing untold damage to the relationship. It’s possible for resentment to destroy the relationship, even a marriage, hence the importance of understanding resentment and how to deal with it.

What is resentment?

Resentment is a little challenging to define. It’s like a feeling of anger, but it is also more complex because it carries shades of disgust, revulsion, hostility, disappointment, and bitterness. We feel resentment toward those people who have hurt us somehow, and those feelings of hurt can fester and turn into resentment if they aren’t processed.

Like a wound that gets wrapped up and given superficial attention can get infected, causing even more damage than the initial injury, resentment is what happens when our hurts aren’t aired and are left lodged in our hearts.

While resentment can be difficult to define precisely, most people know it when they experience it, usually if the person they are resentful of enters the room or gets mentioned in a conversation. One feels their proverbial hackles rising, their stomach clenches, and they immediately take a somewhat defensive posture. There are a few tell-tale signs of resentment in your life, and these include:

You can’t stop thinking about it

Whatever incited the feelings of resentment, you can’t help but keep revisiting it in your mind, even though it can cause great emotional distress.

The relationship is tense

Your relationship with the person is tense. You don’t feel free around them, and it feels like you’re walking on eggshells when they are around or become a topic of conversation.

You fear or avoid interactions with the person

If you know you’ll be seeing the person at a party, or if you’re walking around in their part of town, you dread the possibility of bumping into them. If you see them across a room, or you glance at your phone and see a text or call from them, you feel immediately uneasy or frustrated.

Struggling to let go of feelings of anger

The inciting event has taken place a long time ago, or it might still be fresh, but regardless of the distance from it, you struggle to stop feeling angry about what happened.

Having feelings of inadequacy and regret

When you encounter the person and interact with them, or if they happen to come up in conversation, you may feel like you don’t stack up and are inadequate. Additionally, you may find yourself blaming yourself for what happened or wishing things had happened differently.

Resentment can take root subtly, but sometimes when we’re hurt, we can nurture those feelings of anger because it’s the only way we know to cope. Resentment, however, can cause damage beyond the relationship or situation that caused it, which is why it’s important to understand the roots of resentment to keep an eye out for the early signs of it.

The root of resentment in relationships

Many life situations can give rise to resentment, and they include some of the following scenarios:

Unmet or frustrated expectations

This occurs when people don’t show up on time, or your partner doesn’t do their chores, or if your employer doesn’t give you the vacation time they said they would.

Being treated poorly or unfairly, or others being treated better than you are. No one wants to be yelled at, underpaid, ostracized, or treated in ways that others aren’t. when our inherent dignity as beings made in God’s image is violated, it can cause resentment, especially if that treatment carries on for a long time without relief.

Being taken advantage of by others

Our lives have value, and it’s good for others around us to acknowledge that. Whether it’s from the sibling that makes use of your car without permission, the friend who assumes you’ll be their alibi for their shenanigans, or the colleague that takes your work and passes it for theirs, no one wants to be taken advantage of.

Being unheard or ignored

Your individual needs matter, as does your voice. Being unheard or ignored by others can make you feel invisible, and that can be frustrating.

Being put down or undermined

When someone makes a habit of mocking you or actively diminishing your worth through insults or putdowns, that can generate feelings of resentment.

Failing to process your insecurities properly

Sometimes we can resent others who have done nothing to us. You can resent someone for their success or advancement, and for many other reasons under the sun. It’s not that they did something to warrant these negative feelings, but you’ve got insecurities of your own that you need to process.

How it damages relationships

Resentment can grab hold of any kind of relationship. Sometimes we can even feel resentment toward God; it’s not unheard of for a person to cry out to God that He’s being unfair because He seems to be blessing that person over there while ignoring their needs. Resentment can be pervasive in a person’s life, and it can cause significant damage.

When you feel resentful toward a person, it poisons your relationship with them by degrees. It may mean that when they talk you don’t trust them, or you may be dismissive toward their expressions of pain and need.

In a work environment, resentment can lower your productivity and creativity, and it can also potentially cause workplace conflict. Anger doesn’t always make us receptive to others, but without receptivity, we can really listen and act effectively in a relationship.

Over time, resentment chips away at the sense of joy, camaraderie, and trust that makes relationships function and worthwhile. By slow and often imperceptible degrees, the relationship dies from in until there’s nothing left.

Resentment can settle in a marriage or a family, for example, leading to a divorce or irreconcilable differences causing a permanent rift between people. Not only that, but resentment can also affect your mental, physical, and emotional health, because holding onto anger, as it turns out, isn’t good for you.

The unfortunate reality about resentment is that it can spill over into other relationships that have nothing to do with the relationship that started it all. In romantic relationships, for example, resentment over a cheating spouse can lead to distrust of all future romantic partners, and to constant worries that the same thing will happen again.

Steps to uproot resentment from your relationships

It is possible to uproot resentment from your relationships, but it won’t happen overnight or by happenstance. To uproot resentment takes concerted, well-placed effort, and it can take time before you truly move beyond it.

The following are not steps to take sequentially to overcome resentment, but places where you can begin the work of dealing with your feelings of resentment. Give yourself time to process your emotions and be compassionate with yourself as you embark on what can be a hard journey.

Recognize the signs of resentment in your life

You can’t deal with a problem if you are blind to it or refuse to acknowledge it. Sometimes, we don’t want to name resentment because it feels petty or because we don’t want to recognize how much pain a particular event or situation causes. By naming it, you can begin to unpack it and work through it.

Nip resentment in the bud

Don’t let your anger fester and become a settled antipathy toward someone else. If you see the signs of resentment bubble up in your life, address that sooner than later.

Understand why you are resentful of the person

It’s one thing to understand that you’re feeling resentful toward someone, and quite another to figure out why. Identifying the source of your resentment helps you to address the issue, whether it’s how they speak to you, whether they are taking you for granted, or something else.

Adjust your expectations

Resentment often emerges due to unmet or even unrealistic expectations. Sometimes, these need to be adjusted. Your child might not be able to clean to the standards you expect, in which case you should reevaluate and readjust what you expect.

Perhaps instead of letting them do it on their own, walk alongside them and help them. Understanding that some things are a learning process will help you not get bent out of shape or be too badly disappointed when things don’t shake out as hoped.

Communicate your frustration

Don’t hold onto your frustrations. Sometimes people don’t know that they are aggravating you, but some clear communication can deal with those specific instances where it’s pure ignorance and not bad intentions at work.

Redraw the boundaries of your relationship

Every healthy relationship requires boundaries for the people in it to understand each other’s needs and limits. Resentment can occur where there aren’t clear boundaries, or where the boundaries need to be redrawn.

If a married couple doesn’t address how kids will affect their dynamic, it can make for a lot of frustration if one spouse still insists on alone time when all hands are needed on deck for bath time and dinner, for example.

Forgive them

At its core, resentment is about holding onto anger and past hurts. Forgiving the other person releases you from feeling a certain way about them. You release them from any debt they may owe you in much the same way God in Christ forgave you (Ephesians 4:32). They are still accountable for their actions, but you don’t have to carry hurt with you wherever you go.

Christian counseling for relationship issues

Counseling is a great help to process your issues which may have little to do with a specific person’s actions, or to unpack feelings and thoughts connected to a situation. Reach out today to California Christian Counseling and find a Christian counselor in California with whom you can work.

Through counseling, you can learn to unpack your resentment and learn how to effectively repair broken relationships while gaining tools to prevent future relationships from falling prey to resentment.