Costs and Wages: The High Price of Infidelity

Rarely, do we as believers who love the Lord set out with the intention of sinning. We don’t always realize that if we don’t deliberately pay attention to our thoughts, we default to the flesh and the desires of our minds (Ephesians 2:3). When we consider infidelity and how it proliferates through marriages, we must recognize that it is more than a random occurrence.

Infidelity reflects part of the enemy’s systemic attack on God’s design to bless families of the earth through healthy, holy, and happy marriages. Whether we have experienced infidelity and want to recover or seek to fortify our marriage, we can engage both spiritual wisdom and practical insight to deepen our connection and strengthen our covenant.

Our enemy is riveted on sabotaging the destiny that God has designed for us to experience. It doesn’t mean that we have to be conscious of the adversary to the extent that we lose sight of God. However, if we want to extend the victory that Jesus’ death intended to bring, we must diligently pursue a relationship with our King and His Kingdom.

Spiritually, this may resemble surrendering ourselves to the Lord and building ourselves through spiritual habits and practices that undergird our strength so we can stand (Ephesians 6:13). We cannot forget the practical element, decisively nurturing ourselves through counseling and the meaningful connections with those that God positions in our lives.

Price to pay for infidelity

Infidelity hurts everyone, not just us individually, but also our spouse, and often the other person with whom we’ve committed adultery. It deceives us into believing that we may not get caught; or if we do, that we can get out as easily as we entered. That is the illusion that sin presents.

The obvious consequences are disease, unplanned and often unwanted pregnancy, financial drain, reputation, and loss of respect with spouse and children. Yet, we don’t consider in advance the cost of infidelity to our souls and self-respect.

We may have exited the affair, but its effects are still present. Sometimes, the residue of sin is still clinging to us. We need healing and deliverance to detach from what still lingers, though the affair may long be over. Even if our spouses don’t say it, we may still hear pain and resentment from the one who remained faithful.

Additionally, the script of unspoken hurt, betrayal, and anger can be overwhelming. That, compounded with the enemy’s voice of accusation continually rehearsed in our ears, can make it difficult to receive forgiveness. Forgiveness from God or our mate can be hard to accept, but the most difficult can often be ourselves.

Infidelity impacts our relationship with God. The consequences are real, but we don’t always evaluate what we may lose in terms of our spiritual strength. While the Lord forgives when we confess and turn away from sin, the short-sighted nature of sin doesn’t consider the unseen effects (1 John 1:9).

The continual practice of sin dulls our spiritual senses, limiting our vision and response time to attacks on our lives and our families. Sin results in death, and invariably something will weaken, fade, and expire (Romans 6:23). We can’t do it in our own strength, but the Holy Spirit will replenish and help us to recover.

The little things

Infidelity may initiate as an emotional affair in which there is a connection, yet without a physical or sexual exchange. In other cases, it may advance to a one-night stand or even an extended extramarital relationship. It always starts much smaller, however.

It starts as we entertain a thought, a comment, a question, or a seemingly harmless flirtation. While many marriages end as a result of infidelity, some of the small matters, or what the Bible calls “little foxes,” can be cut off before they advance to bigger issues (Song of Solomon 2:15).

It often doesn’t happen unprovoked. The same enemy who has floated tailor-made temptations in front of us has also been at work elsewhere in our lives. Divisively, he creates an appetite fed by an underlying issue, perhaps discontent or a divide with our spouse that we haven’t addressed or resolved.

While there is no excuse for infidelity, there are reasons, often in the form of soul wounds, that point us toward unfaithfulness. Even if we start with good intentions, unpacking the human heart can help us reset with the Lord, guard what we value, and establish a better path forward (Jeremiah 17:9).

Let’s choose to begin by safeguarding our hearts with relevant insight from the Holy Spirit and reflection. Often, we seek fulfillment through people and places that fail to satisfy, but the Lord desires to fill us in the specific areas where we hunger and thirst. As Provider, God is forever faithful to encounter us in fresh ways and encourages us to come to Him in boldness, and without shame.

The Holy Spirit is fully aware of what we need, and how to answer. He remains capable of working in and through our spouse to encounter and satisfy both of us. While we may not want to address the unspoken issues or those we’ve exhausted in prior dead-end conversations, the alternative is to remain silent, retreating into the space of our hurt and anger. This can become a potential danger zone, allowing feelings to fester without intervention and support from trusted confidants, clergy, or counselors.

Your needs, my needs

The reasons for infidelity are often tied to legitimate feelings and experiences where we have an unmet need. Some of these may be linked with our spouse remaining unresponsive to a need that he or she is designed and in covenant to answer. This isn’t always the case, but our miscommunication and misunderstanding contribute to why we may seek solace in the heart and embrace of another.

Our reasons for stepping outside of our union may culminate as a result of feeling disregarded, unappreciated, or unloved. In the vacuum where our legitimate needs go unmet, we intersect with an opportunity to break our vows or our commitment to our partner.

Whether you act proactively or after infidelity, connecting with your spouse around your needs and theirs has the potential to unearth honest conversations that may require the ongoing support of a professional counselor. Here, we need to lean in, learn, and listen, paying attention to the needs that we may have neglected in past seasons.

When we encounter the opportunity to be more transparent ourselves and acknowledge authenticity in our spouse, we need to respond in humility. This isn’t lowliness or self-deprecation but rather conveys our willingness to regard ourselves and our spouse in ways that honor God in our marriage.

When we demonstrate concern for his or her perspective, while also valuing our own needs, we welcome the Lord to answer our prayers and multiply His Presence in our marriage (1 Peter 3:1-12).

Where their needs may diverge from our own, we might wrestle with how to respond with care and compassion. Even here, the Holy Spirit awaits our invitation to help. He can counsel each of our hearts into agreement with what the Lord says about our mate, ourselves, and our marriage. Humility invites the Lord to flow through us in the ways that let God be the Sovereign He is.

Life may look different at this point than what we perceived or imagined for ourselves and our marriage. Acting with humility relies on the Lord to steer the course, versus short-sighted intellect to reason through what our marriages and mates need most.

Next steps recovering from infidelity

As you reflect on your marriage, you may feel demoralized, as if there is little hope left. Whether you and your spouse have already experienced infidelity or something close to it, you can receive the help and healing to move forward.

Pause for a few moments to refresh yourself with the spiritual and practical resources on this site. Search for a counselor in our online counselor directory and contact our reception team at California Christian Counseling to schedule an appointment to meet, whether individually or as a couple. While infidelity may have exacted its high price, the investment you make now in your mental, emotional, and relational health will provide a wealthy return.