Abandonment Anxiety: What It Looks Like and How to Overcome

It’s challenging for any of us to face our deepest fears. Our fears make us feel exposed and vulnerable, and they can leave us feeling powerless and overwhelmed. Often, it feels easier to simply deny that we have fears, repress them, avoid them, or try to rationalize them . Imagining the worst outcome possible can leave you feeling paralyzed and uncertain, which makes not facing those fears an attractive option.

If you’re in a relationship with someone, whether that relationship is platonic, familial, or romantic, you may have some fears about it. Those fears may be the result of past experiences or encounters with others that left a deep impression on you. One fear you may have that relates to your relationships is the fear of abandonment, and it can generate a lot of anxiety that affects the health of your relationships.

This article will explore abandonment, including what it looks like, as well as the anxiety that may result from feelings and a fear of abandonment. The article will also suggest some healthy ways of overcoming abandonment anxiety so that your relationships can flourish.

Understanding Abandonment

You probably don’t notice it, but a lot is going on in every interaction you have with others. You’re bringing your history with that person into the moment, and you’re also bringing your personality and past experiences with other relationships into that moment. The other person is also doing the same, including bringing their expectations to bear on the moment. This can cause misunderstandings, which is why great communication is important.

Your ability to form healthy bonds with other people is shaped from when you’re young. Having healthy bonds with others includes your ability to trust others, being open to getting close to other people, expecting that your needs will be met just as you’ll meet their legitimate needs, and being able to express your needs. This ability to form healthy attachments can be disrupted by experiencing abandonment.

Abandonment can refer to different things, but at its core, it’s when you are deprived of the ability to have your emotional, physical, and mental need for connection met. This can happen in several ways. You can experience emotional abandonment when you’re ignored, not validated, or nurtured by people like your caregiver, parents, or partner. Emotional abandonment can also occur if you feel rejected, disconnected from, or unheard by others.

A person can also be abandoned physically. Physical abandonment occurs when a person is deserted by their partner, caregiver, or parent. This desertion may be deliberate, or it can be accidental. Desertion or abandonment can also occur through divorce, or when a loved one dies, leaving one behind. Physical abandonment can take place if a loved one is neglectful or physically absent when needed, whether in times of financial or medical need, or otherwise.

Another form of abandonment is psychological abandonment. This can occur when you feel unseen, unimportant, unheard, or like you’re not valued by others. If loved ones are emotionally withdrawn or unavailable, that can also lead to this form of abandonment. Abandonment can occur in childhood and have a profound effect on future relationships, but it can also occur later in life.

How Abandonment Affects Someone

When a person experiences abandonment, it means that the significant need for a sense of connection with others and having felt needs seen and attended to is not met. This can affect a person for the rest of their life. Some of the effects of experiencing abandonment include the following:

• Difficulty opening up to and trusting others, and struggling to form healthy attachments to others.
• Mental and emotional health challenges such as anxiety, depression, or post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD).
• Struggling to understand, express, and regulate one’s emotions.
• Low self-worth, diminished self-esteem, and confidence.
• Fear of rejection or abandonment occurring again.

Abandonment affects the important ability to connect meaningfully with others. It can lead to a person becoming afraid of connection for fear that the connection will be broken, or it can lead to being aloof and deeply independent because others proved unreliable in the past. Either way, it can bring significant challenges in current relationships.

The Shape of Abandonment Anxiety

After a person has experienced abandonment, the effects of it may linger long afterward. A child whose emotional needs weren’t acknowledged or met by their parents or caregiver may feel as though their needs don’t matter, or that loved ones can’t be trusted to meet those needs. If a loving parent dies or moves away due to separation and divorce between the parents, it may plant the seed that even the best connections can be broken.

Abandonment anxiety is when a person lives in fear that they will be abandoned by a loved one. This anxiety may be rooted in past experiences with the loved one concerned, or it may be the result of another past relationship and experiences connected with that relationship. The experience of abandonment creates anxiety that it will happen again, affecting the relationship in various ways.

Abandonment anxiety can result in pulling back from investing in a relationship for fear that things will fall apart. It’s difficult to open up and connect with someone if you’re afraid that connection may be broken at any moment. This can be confusing for the other partner, particularly if one seeks closeness and then pushes it and their partner away when it feels frightening.

Being afraid of abandonment can also result in being clingy and needing constant reassurance that everything is okay, and nothing is wrong. It’s common for this to look like extreme possessiveness and jealousy, constantly calling or texting one’s partner, and wanting to be around the partner at all times. For the partner, it may get exhausting needing to constantly reassure their significant other.

Another effect of abandonment anxiety is that it can lead to unhealthy behaviors in relationships like avoiding conflict, self-sabotaging, and staying in toxic relationships. If you’re afraid of being abandoned, it can lead to trying to preserve the relationship at all costs, including avoiding any conflict and not protecting your boundaries. This inadvertently undermines the health of the relationship, often leading to a codependent dynamic.

Lastly, abandonment anxiety can result in a deeply strained relationship. Not knowing from one moment to the next where the relationship could go is unsettling. The relationship might undergo several breakups and reunions because of the push-pull dynamic at work. For one’s partner, they may feel resentment as well as emotional exhaustion from having to manage their significant other’s emotions.

Managing and Finding Healing from Abandonment Anxiety

Abandonment anxiety affects both partners in the relationship. If you have a partner or loved one with abandonment anxiety, what you can do for yourself includes setting healthy boundaries. This will prevent emotional exhaustion, and it will also hopefully encourage independence in your loved one. You can also avoid any enabling behaviors, seek support for yourself, and encourage your loved one to do the same.

If you have abandonment anxiety, you must take time to do some self-reflection to develop awareness of where you’re at. Your anxiety may be driving you and your behavior without you being fully aware of it. Becoming aware of the problem is a great first step to overcoming abandonment anxiety. You can learn new patterns and how to rebuild trust through having healthy relationships with consistent people.

To manage and find healing from abandonment anxiety, you can seek professional help through counseling or therapy. Your counselor will help you cultivate helpful self-care practices to build up your self-esteem and confidence. Your counselor will also help you to develop your communication skills to better express your needs without being emotionally reactive, and they can teach you how to regulate your emotions better.

Through professional Christian counseling in Irvine, you can name and work through any unresolved emotions and thoughts that have shaped how you relate to other people. You can learn to let go of control and enjoy relationships for what they are without living in fear of loss or abandonment. If you struggle with abandonment anxiety, reach out to us at Irvine Christian Counseling to get help through professional Christian counseling in Irvine, California.