7 Effective Tips for How to Improve Communication in a Relationship

Relationships thrive and flourish, or they wither and flounder based on the quality of communication. This means that it’s paramount to have great communication in any relationship, especially a romantic one. A romantic relationship requires you to be more present and vulnerable than other relationships do, and healthy communication plays a vital role in that.

While many people think of themselves, if not as great communicators, at least as great listeners, it turns out that most of us are quite poor listeners. Studies have indicated that almost all of us think we are sometimes or always good listeners, but we only actually retain around half of what gets said to us directly after it’s been said to us. There’s a huge gap between our perception and the reality of our listening skills.

Growing your ability to communicate well with others, especially your significant other, will help your relationship immensely. We all could use a crash course in improving our communication for the sake of our relationships.

Why Good Communication Is So Important

Communication is about more than listening, though listening is a huge component of it. It’s also about being able to express your needs, wants, concerns, fears, dreams, and hopes, in an effective way. Good communication is also about being able to deal with conflict – which inevitably arises in all relationships – in a healthy way.

Being able to hear what the other person is saying can make a difference in several ways. For one, it prevents you from misrepresenting them or making assumptions about what they’re saying. Many arguments happen because of mishearing the other person, perhaps due to our own anger and insisting on our way (James 1:19-21), or perhaps because it benefits us to mishear.

If you truly hear what a person is saying, it allows you to understand what the core issue is, what their need is, or what their intention may be. It allows you to forge real and lasting solutions based on actual needs, and not assumed needs and concerns. Eventually this can result in less conflict because you don’t have to keep revisiting the issue the way you’d have to if you didn’t really get each other the first time around.

When it comes to expressing yourself, there are several ways of doing this that are problematic in a relationship. We can express our needs and concerns in clear, assertive, and respectful ways. Alternatively, we can mask those needs through passive aggressive means. Giving a person the silent treatment out of frustration may communicate multiple messages, all of which may be misleading or missed entirely.

There are ways of letting your partner know what you want or need that can cause or worsen conflict. Giving the silent treatment is one such way, but so is angrily yelling at each other, trying to manipulate one another into getting what you want, or gaslighting the other person. Some people shift blame or make requests in the form of emotional extortion. These are forms of communication, but it isn’t healthy or good communication.

Communication is so important in relationships because it’s the only real, sustainable, and effective way for another human being to understand who you are, what you need, and how to love you well. It would be great if the other person could just guess what you want, and do so accurately, but that’s not how things work. We need to communicate effectively in order to be known and to know one another. A relationship can’t do without good communication.

Is There Poor Communication in My Relationship?

It’s one thing to be aware that poor communication can happen in a relationship, and quite another to discover that there’s poor communication in your own relationship. Poor communication can strain relationships, and it can cause conflict to escalate. This is why it can help you to look out for the signs of poor communication. There may be behavioral patterns, verbal and non-verbal cues that can alert you to these kinds of issues.

Some behavioral signs that could point to poor communication in a relationship include avoiding conflict or avoiding difficult conversations, using technology such as texting or emails to avoid face-to-face discussions, repeatedly bringing up past grievances, and not being intentional about making time for regular check-ins or dates to connect meaningfully.

Patterns to look out for include unresolved conflicts or resentments that linger and rear their heads in other situations. If one or both of you feel ignored, unheard, or dismissed on a regular basis, this is a red flag. If you make assumptions that you know what your significant other thinks or feels without seeking clarity, that too could signal poor communication.

There may also be verbal as well as non-verbal cues that indicate poor communication. A sarcastic tone, sighing, or rolling your eyes when the other person speaks, are not generating healthy communication. Likewise, being critical or defensive, dismissing or interrupting each other, and frequent yelling or arguing, should also be a wake-up call.

Some other non-verbal signs of poor communication involve avoidance, such as avoiding eye contact or physical touch. Likewise, avoiding conversation about difficult issues or sidestepping discussions are marks that your communication style is not healthy. Lastly, not validating each other’s emotions could also point to poor communication.

You can also look out for signs such as feeling like you walk on eggshells around each other, or you feel distant and disconnected. Surely there is a lack of intimacy or emotional connection that has set in. You or your partner may identify with one or more of these signs. If that’s the case, there are several ways for you to improve your communication.

Seven Tips to Improve Communication

Whatever your current situation, your communication can be improved to be made healthy. With effort and commitment from both partners, poor communication can be improved and the relationship nurtured toward flourishing. When you improve communication in your relationship, that enables you to strengthen your bond and grow to resolve conflicts promptly and constructively. Below are seven valuable tips to improve communication:

• Practice empathy. Take a minute to put yourself in your partner’s shoes. Consider how they might feel about a situation and make the effort to acknowledge and validate their emotions. We can be biased toward ourselves, and consider our own feelings valid, but not give the same respect to others. This violates what Jesus told us to do – to love our neighbor as ourselves. (Matthew 22:39, NIV)
• Practice active listening When your partner is talking, give them your undivided attention. Maintain eye contact and avoid interrupting them. Let them finish their thought, and don’t judge what they’re saying. Listen without prejudice. Active listening also involves asking clarifying questions, as well as summarizing and repeating back what you heard to ensure understanding.
• Use “I” Statements. Instead of thinking or saying that your beloved “always” says or does certain things, and in place of blaming, express your feelings and thoughts using “I” statements. This helps you avoid defensiveness in the conversation, and it also helps to promote taking more ownership over what you say.
• Clarify expectations. It can be easy to take certain things for granted, like how and when to perform chores. However, you were raised in two different households, and it’s folly to assume things, even if they seem blindingly obvious. It’s better by far to discuss your assumptions and expectations to avoid misunderstandings than to proceed with them unarticulated.
• Schedule regular check-ins. Life is constantly on the go, and things happen to us that change us or otherwise affect us. A bad day at work could result in a grumpy or sad spouse, and other things can also affect you both. It’s important to set dedicated time aside for meaningful conversations that allow you to catch up and connect. It could be once a week, or in the evenings after the kids go to bed.
• Ask open-ended questions. As noted earlier, making assumptions can be a huge mistake. Don’t assume that you know what your partner thinks or feels, even if you’ve asked them about it before. Instead, ask open-ended questions to encourage sharing such as “What’s been on your mind lately?” or “What made you feel loved and appreciated today?”Other questions include, “What’s one thing I can do to make your day better?” and “What’s a goal that you have for us?” Some others include: “How do you think we can improve our relationship?” or “How do you feel when I surprise you?”
• Practice mindful conflict resolution. Conflicts are opportunities for growth. When disagreements arise in your relationship, focus on the issue at hand, not the other person. If you use calm tones, avoid criticism or blaming, and seek solutions together, it can make a difference. Avoid bringing up past grievances, take breaks if emotions escalate, and show appreciation for your significant other’s perspective.

Effective communication is key to a thriving relationship, and you can improve yours using these tips. You can grow your communication skills through workshops or classes, and also through couples therapy or counseling. Your counselor can help you grow in your ability to connect meaningfully, deepening your relationship and reducing the intensity and frequency of conflict.

If you are ready for this next step, reach out to our offices today. We will make an appointment for you with one of the Chrisitan counselors in our practice. Seek help today to make your relationship flourish.