4 Tips for Improving Your Communication With Your Spouse

As a licensed marriage and family therapist, I’ve discovered four communication techniques that produce the quickest growth in the couples I work with – no matter how long they’ve been together.

Are you talking like a parent to a child?

One of the communication problems that couples seem to easily spot in themselves is knowing if they are talking to their spouse like a scolding parent, a child or a healthy adult.

Imagine if one partner is scolding their spouse, something like: “Oh my gosh, how many times have I told you to put your socks in the hamper!” Does that sound like how an adult co-worker might talk to another adult co-worker? No, that sounds more like how a scolding parent might talk to a child.

What happens when one partner communicates to the other partner like a parent instead of an adult? Then the other partner automatically gets put in the child position, having to defend, argue, retreat, whine, etc.

When we start listening to ourselves talk, we begin to notice when we sound like a scolding parent, a healthy adult or maybe even a whining or defiant child. That self-awareness can help us change our own communication dynamics by choosing to communicate more effectively as adult to adult. Then notice if the conversation becomes more relaxed and less defensive.

5:1 more positive than negative.

In his research on what makes healthy marriages, psychologist and prolific author Dr. John Gottman has found that healthy marriages have five or more positive interactions to every one negative interaction.

For example, imagine if you walk in your house and immediately start yelling about a dirty kitchen, shoes thrown on the stairs, papers spread around the family room, etc. Those are all negative interaction, that no doubt negatively affect the tone of communication for the rest of the day.

Now imagine if you intentionally looked for something positive, starting with a kiss and a “I’m so happy to see you.” How do you think that might change the tone of the evening? Or maybe provide encouragement with something like, “I see all the kids are working on homework. How’s that going?”

Or noticing the toys that did get put away instead of the ones being used, “Wow, you got the toddlers to put their toys away. Impressive!” Those are positive interactions that set a more positive tone for the home.

Plus, when couples determine to communicate more positively, it changes both partners’ attitudes at the same time. The one looking to create positive interactions is now focused on what’s going well instead of what’s going wrong, which is a mood booster.

Additionally, the one receiving the positive interaction may now be feeling encouraged instead of nitpicked, and that can boost their mood. Being focused on gratitude and authentic positivity is an evidence-based practice that has been shown to boost one’s personal well-being and feelings of peace and calm.

Communicate your feelings.

The simplest way to adjust the words that you use to communicate is to move from “You” statements to “I feel” statements. So instead of “You always come home late,” it might be: “I feel sad and disappointed when I’m expecting you for dinner at six, but you don’t get home until seven.” Not only is this a more honest and effective way to communicate, but it also keeps the conversation dynamic adult-adult, instead of parent-child.

By identifying our own emotions, we’re now moving into an authentic conversation, and not staying stuck on trying to relitigate the same argument over and over again.

Keep in mind that “I feel” statements are not statements such as, “I feel you are wrong,” “I feel you took that too personally,” and especially not any version of “I feel you are an idiot.” True “I feel” statements share emotions without blaming them on anyone, including one’s spouse.

The ability to be self-aware, process our own emotions, and not blame the other person for our feelings can keep us grounded and help communicate in a healthy way.

Validate the other’s emotions.

During couples counseling, typically I have clients share using the “I feel” statements followed by the spouse then validating the emotions and reflecting back, “what I hear you saying is …” This can help couples move past the circular arguments that many couples continue to repeat day after day.

Here’s an example of communicating by expressing and validating emotions, and ensuring the message is heard and received:

Spouse 1:

“I feel angry when you go sit down and watch TV after dinner and leave me to do the dishes by myself.”

Spouse 2:

“What I hear you saying is that you feel angry when I go watch TV after dinner and leave you to do the dishes by yourself.”

Spouse 1:

“Yes, I feel sad and left out, too, because I want to sit down and relax with you.”

Spouse 2:

“I hear that you are sad and left out when I go watch TV after dinner and don’t help you clean up. And it sounds like you want to watch TV with me. Is that correct?”

Spouse 1:

“Yes, after dinner I’d love to sit down and relax and watch something with you.”

Spouse 2:

“I’m sorry that you felt sad and left out. What if we do the dishes together, and then we can both go watch TV? How does that sound?”

Do you see the difference in accepting and validating your spouse’s feelings and viewpoint, and how that can bring validation and even closure to an argument?

Pick one – or all – of the communication skills listed above and practice it in your own relationship, and see what impact it might have.

If you’d like to talk through some of these communication strategies with your spouse in the context of couples counseling, please contact Cyndie de Neve or one of her colleagues.