The Do’s and Don’ts of Dating After Divorce

Are you considering dating after divorce? This can be a fun, exciting, nerve-wracking, challenging, hopeful, and confusing time – an emotional rollercoaster. It can be difficult to start dating again after your heart has been broken or you have been married for a long time. A Christian counselor can give you guidance on when it might be best for you to consider dating again. We also have some dos and don’ts for you to consider as you prepare for dating after divorce.

The Do’s and Don’ts of Dating After Divorce

Do pray

Dating after divorce is not something to take lightly. You may still be dealing with various stages of grief, including denial, bargaining, anger, sadness, and acceptance over the loss of your marriage. You know that you don’t want to make the same mistakes again, but you may not be sure if now is the right time to date.

However, God knows what is best for you, and he promises to draw near to you if you draw near to Him in prayer. Before you ever start dating or even fill out a dating profile, commit this important matter to prayer. Lay out the desires of your heart before God (Psalm 37:4), then pray the same prayer Jesus prayed: “Abba, Father,” he said, “everything is possible for you…Yet not what I will, but what you will.” (Mark 14:36, NIV)

Don’t rush

It’s tempting to use a new relationship to ease the hurt and loneliness that you feel after a divorce. But rushing into a new connection before learning if you can trust that person isn’t a good idea. You could get hurt again or hurt someone else with your words or actions. Trust that God’s timing is perfect.

He knows when you will be ready to date. That might take longer than you want, but the work you do to repair your heart and mind after divorce will help you make better choices in the future. You can meet with a Christian counselor to do the necessary healing work before you start dating again.

Do make a clean break

Before you start dating, you need to make a clean break from your former spouse. This means not dating until all the paperwork is filed and complete in your divorce proceedings. It also means doing the demanding work of breaking the soul ties that you have with your ex-spouse, no matter how long you were married to each other.

You shared a life, and whether it was wonderful or terrible, you must grieve what you lost before you can move forward with someone else. If your feelings about your divorce are still messy and painful, you need to take more time to heal and grieve before you’re ready to date. A Christian counselor can walk alongside you in your healing journey.

Don’t cave to pressure

You may be facing pressure from friends, family members, people in the community, or even yourself to date again, but don’t cave to the pressure. Only God knows what is truly best for you.

Trust that God has good plans regarding your dating life and commit your ways to him, not leaning on your own understanding (Prov. 3:5-6). Don’t worry about pleasing anyone else with your choice to date or not date. It’s fine to stay single while you weigh all your options and fully heal from your hurts.

Do depend on same-sex friendships

It’s a certainty that you are dealing with loneliness after divorce. But dating someone might not be the best solution at first. You should depend on friendships with people of the same sex to fill the voids you feel in your loneliness.

Make a list of several same-sex friends whom you can text or call when you are feeling lonely. At least one of them will likely be available to meet with you for an enjoyable time. The time you spend investing in same-sex friendships after divorce will help your heart heal so that you will be better prepared to date when the time comes.

Don’t repeat past mistakes

It’s good to examine what mistakes you made in your past dating relationships and your marriage, so you don’t bring those same problems into future dating relationships. Take a hard, honest look at yourself and jot down things you could have done better in the past.

Then commit these matters to prayer and ask God to help you heal and change. You can also take this list to your counselor’s office and discuss it there to gain even greater insight and practical encouragement.

Don’t limit your choices

You may be highly driven to choose someone completely different from your ex-spouse if you were hurt badly in your divorce. But you may make an extreme choice that isn’t best for you. In the book, How to Get a Date Worth Keeping, Dr. Henry Cloud suggests that you go on at least one date with many types of people, if they are reasonable human beings.

You may not know what you want in another person until you spend time talking to them. Don’t limit your choices so far down that you close the door to good opportunities for connection and keep an open mind.

Do consider your children

If you have children, their needs must be considered before you start dating after divorce. Your choice depends a great deal on their age and maturity level, as well as how far along they are in their own grief journey after the divorce.

If your children react badly when you mention the idea of dating someone else, it may be wise to meet with a Christian counselor to gain perspective on your unique situation. The counselor can advise you on how to balance your role as a parent with your desire to date, as well as offer practical tips for how to manage all the ins and outs of dating when children are involved.

Christian Counseling for Relationship Issues

Dating after divorce is a complicated issue for most people. It can be full of highs and lows that can be difficult to navigate while you are still recovering from a divorce. It can also be challenging to know when you are ready to date and what to expect from a new relationship.

Many people benefit from speaking with a Christian counselor before they begin dating after divorce. The benefits of seeing a counselor include an objective, third-party perspective; biblical insights; practical tips based on what has worked for other clients; guidelines to keep you from falling into common traps; and healing for unprocessed wounds related to your divorce.

Since there are many nuances to dating after divorce that are specific to your situation, it’s wise to spend several sessions with a counselor. Reach out to us today to set up your first appointment, and we’ll be happy to meet with you.