What are Attachment Issues and Can They Be Resolved?

The study of attachment issues was a result of research that was first done by researchers studying infant behavior to try to understand what caused infant distress when a caregiver left. This research later led to a broader, more formalized experiment that looked at the interactions between infant and caregiver in a stressful situation. Briefly, the experiment involved having the caregiver leave for a certain amount of time, then return.

The researchers observed the babies’ reactions to both the absence of their caregiver and their return and noticed that there were several different types of behavior. This research eventually led them to identify three categories of what we call attachment behavior: secure attachment, anxious attachment, and avoidant attachment.

In each of these attachment styles, the infant would respond differently to their caregiver leaving a room and then being reunited with them. The researchers found that these early life behaviors predicted much of how the infant would respond to relationships later in life. Attachment theory began to be a useful way of analyzing and examining behavior patterns in adults and using their early childhood experiences to help inform their current relationship struggles.

What can cause attachment issues?

About sixty percent of individuals are considered “securely attached,” meaning they had a parent that responded to them with attunement most of the time. The concept of the “good enough” parent is useful in recognizing that secure attachment is not formed by parents who never make mistakes, or fail their children in some way.

However, a parent who ends up with a securely attached child is much more likely to seek to repair the ruptures in the relationship and to amend their mistakes in attuning to their child. Conversely, someone with an avoidant or anxious attachment style most likely had the childhood experience of being cared for sporadically, a role reversal in the parent/child dynamic, or dealing with some level of physical or emotional abandonment.

Because a child is wired to think that they are the problem, not the adult (to protect them from the terrifying reality that the person who’s supposed to be caring for them might not be acting in their best interests), they will learn to cope with the inconsistent attention by shutting down (avoidant) or becoming very clingy and people-pleasing (anxious).

Anxious and avoidant attachment issues can also be combined into what is usually referred to as anxious-avoidant or disorganized attachment where the individual will experience a push-pull between wanting to shut down and needing to reassure themselves of the safety of the relationship. There are any number of developmental scenarios that can lead to these styles of relating, but what one experiences in a relationship with one’s primary caretakers forms the template for all future relationships.

This makes being aware of your attachment style, or your struggles with attachment very important. For parents who choose to adopt, foster parents, and even those who are shepherding children through some sort of trauma it also becomes important to be aware of these nuances. Though you might be a “good enough” parent, what a child experienced in their earliest years still informs how they interact and can make attachment later on in life more difficult, often requiring some sort of specialized help to facilitate healthier attachment.

Can attachment issues be resolved?

Attachment is not a fixed state, making it potentially difficult to address. Because an attachment style is first formed in a relationship, it also must be re-formed in a relationship. However, those with anxious, avoidant, or disorganized attachment can struggle to have healthy relationships in the first place. This is where a safe therapeutic relationship that is affirming and gentle can be a wonderful place to work on your attachment issues.

The relationship with the therapist forms a microcosm of other relationships in your life and offers a safe laboratory in which to experiment with different ways of relating. A skilled therapist will also offer insight into your existing relationships and help you challenge your beliefs about relationships.

For example, if you tend to be anxiously attached, this could look like resisting the urge to repeatedly ask your spouse if they’re mad at you, tolerating your anxiety, and thus beginning to develop a deeper level of trust in that relationship. Experiencing something different in a safe and healthy adult relationship can start to repair the attachment wounds from early childhood.

For someone who tends toward avoidant attachment, taking the initiative to share vulnerable feelings with a loved one might be a step toward reforming your style of relating. A wise counselor can help you to evaluate your relationships for health and safety and determine where it’s appropriate to take these risks so that you’re not negatively reinforcing messages.

Because attachment is a felt experience from early years, a different felt experience must begin to replace it in order to heal. This process can be slow, but it is possible to develop a healthier style of relating as an adult.

Why is attachment important?

Attachment forms the basis for how we interact with so many things in our life. It’s even quite possible for our attachment style to be reflected in our relationship with God. If our earliest conception of a father figure is one who is angry, reproachful, or requires perfection, then the anxiety or avoidance that was created in that attachment might be reflected in our spirituality.

Our relationship with God might be one of anxiety, always waiting for God to punish us, or feeling that he’s constantly looking for us to make a mistake. It could be that we avoid God when we’re distressed, feeling that we must solve problems by ourselves before we’re safe to return to relationships. We might have learned this avoidant pattern in our human relationships and carried it into our spiritual life.

Beginning to identify how you relate to other people can provide a window into what you believe about God, whether He is safe, good, trustworthy, or vindictive. For those who experience a secure attachment with their caregivers, it is easier for them to imagine a God who loves them with unconditional regard and forgives them of their sins.

For those whose early life experiences taught them the opposite, it can be a difficult but profoundly healing to experience God as a good parent who is trustworthy, dependable, and who loves them unconditionally. Experiencing God’s kindness and mercy ultimately opens the door to repentance (Romans 2:4) from the lies that we might have believed about ourselves and others.

Next steps

If reading this sparks something in you, perhaps there is work to be done. Perhaps the comfortable patterns that you’ve inhabited in your relationships are no longer satisfying to you and you long for a healthier intimacy and level of trust.

Embarking on a path to examine why you relate to people the way you do is a hard task, but it leads to greater health and wholeness, and we would love to accompany you on this journey. One of our counselors would be more than happy to begin to explore your attachment style with you and provide you with a supportive guide as you learn to relate to the people in your life in a new and healthier way.