Preventing a Toxic Friendship: How to Be a Good Friend

Friendships make life a little easier. Good friends can celebrate with us and struggle alongside us. They are the people we call with good news or tragedy. A close friendship is priceless.

However, a toxic friendship can make you physically, emotionally, mentally, and spiritually ill. A toxic friend drains you of your energy, confidence, and possibly, your finances. How can you avoid toxic friendships and be the type of person who attracts honest, loyal, and dependable people?

It all starts with you noticing the traits and values of the people in your circle.

One who has unreliable friends soon comes to ruin, but there is a friend who sticks closer than a brother. – Proverbs 18:24, NIV

How to Be a Good Friend

Our words, actions, and perceptions draw people to us. The more you are around a negative person, the more of their qualities you will begin to exhibit. For example, have you ever had a friend who constantly criticizes and complains? Eventually, you may find yourself complaining more and being critical about yourself and others.

To attract people with high moral standards, ethical behaviors, and good character, you must display those traits yourself. You need to work harder on being the person you want in your life than on looking for new friends. Once you become that person, you will find that the right people will gravitate toward you.

In the past, popular opinion was that one could not change their character. But researchers have learned that it is possible to adopt good character traits. These traits include honesty, kindness, empathy, persistence, integrity, and more.

Be willing to do the work. Be a good friend, avoid negativity, cut off toxic friendships, and watch your relationships blossom. Friendships take work and must be formed and nurtured.

The following is a list of several ways you can work on being a better friend, improve your character, and attract like-minded people to you.

Think of Others

We get caught up in our own lives and often forget to check on others. But is that your default? Do you typically check on your friends or only call when you need something from them? Toxic friends use people for what will benefit them. It might be to upgrade or maintain status, for financial gain, or to make themselves feel better by demeaning someone else.

Instead, try to step into your friend’s shoes. What can you do to give them a hand? When was the last time you called to ask how they were doing and not to share your own news? If your friend is having a hard time, consider sending them a “thinking of you” card or inviting them over for dinner. Consider their needs. For example, is your single mom friend upset about her broken washing machine? Offer her to come to your home to do laundry or ask if you could do a load or two.

Sometimes our friends don’t share everything going on in their lives. Have you noticed one of your friends becoming withdrawn or sad? Do you suspect your friend is having marital problems? Invite that friend over for coffee or lunch and be willing to listen. Even if he or she doesn’t open up to you about their problems, let him or her know you are available and will never betray his or her confidence.

Keep Secrets Secret

Betraying confidence does more than cause problems in a friendship. It can impact a person emotionally and mentally. Depending on the secret, a friend could lose his or her reputation or family. If a friend confides in you, keep their story to yourself unless it harms another person, breaks the law, or causes you to be concerned that your friend might have suicidal thoughts.

More than likely, you have been betrayed by someone you fully trusted. Betrayal robs you of your confidence and self-esteem. It can cause you to develop trust issues and doubt people in new relationships. Why would you want to be responsible for doing that to someone else?

Be a safe place for others. Being someone others can depend on and tell their secrets to requires you to be vulnerable and honest. This doesn’t mean you need to overshare your own troubles, but to let your friend know that you understand what they are going through and can empathize with them. If it is a situation you have never personally experienced, just knowing that you support them may be all your friend needs.

Be a Cheerleader

Supporting your friends should be a priority. Growing up, did you have enough cheerleaders? In other words, did you have people in your corner who would cheer you on and celebrate your wins? Not everyone has a support system, and maybe you didn’t. Be a cheerleader for your friends.

For example, if your friend wins an award or performs in a solo at church, show up for him or her. If your friend is going through a divorce, be there at the hearing (or afterward). Stand by your friend and be there in the good and the bad. Celebrate his or her successes as you would your own.

If you struggle with jealousy, you might find it difficult to celebrate your friend’s success sincerely. This may signify much deeper issues that you might want to address in counseling. You should naturally want to clap for your friends when they do well.

Recognize Boundaries

We all need boundaries to keep people from running over us and keep ourselves in line. Boundaries are a reminder that we will not tolerate certain behaviors or disrespect. Your friends probably have boundaries set. But do you know what those boundaries are, or do you routinely ignore them because the two of you are so close?

For example, maybe your friend does not like to answer the phone after nine o’clock because she has small children to put to bed. Would you still call or message her after nine with something you deem important? Or would you respect her wishes and wait until morning?

The same concept applies to values. Ignoring or dismissing a friend’s values and beliefs is not healthy. For example, if your friend doesn’t like to stay out on Saturday nights because he attends church on Sunday mornings, why would you pressure him to go out at that time? Why would you try to convince him to go against his values?

If you have ever had someone try to make you feel foolish for wanting to uphold your priorities and beliefs, then you know that it can lead to feelings of guilt or shame. Even if you do not give in to your friend, he or she may make you feel bad for saying no to them.

Accept Your Friend

Unless your friend is a carbon copy of you, he or she has his or her own personality that is probably very different from yours. Your friend may talk or dress differently from you. He or she may react to a situation the opposite way you would manage it. But these quirks and differences can cause us to enjoy each other even more.

For example, maybe you are introverted and very shy. However, your friend is a “wild child.” You can depend on her to talk to everyone, look for opportunities, and network with the best. Sometimes her behavior makes you uncomfortable, but would you ask her to change? Would you ask her not to talk to other people when you are around because it embarrasses you?

Accept your friends for who they are and appreciate how their differences complement your strengths.

Get Relationship Help When You Need It

Ending a toxic friendship can be frustrating. You may care about this person or share a long history, but continuing the relationship and allowing it to affect your mental health negatively is not beneficial for you.

If you need help in the area of toxic friendships and relationships, reach out to a counselor today. A counselor can arm you with evidence-backed psychological strategies and emotional resiliency to weather the storm of ending a friendship while maintaining your integrity.