How to Helpfully Come Alongside a Depressed Husband

It’s easier to break something down than to build it back up. That’s because it doesn’t take much to help entropy along toward chaos and disorder, but it takes skill and intentionality to build something strong and beautiful. When it comes to relationships and our loved ones, it also takes time, intentional effort, and skill to nurture healthy bonds. As with other things, if we aren’t careful, we can do harm even when we’re trying to help loved ones.

One challenge that men face is depression. Over 6 million men suffer from depression each year, but the true number is likely higher than that because male depression often doesn’t get diagnosed or is mistaken for something else. For a wife who wants to help her husband through this, she must understand what depression is, how it affects her depressed husband, and how best to come alongside him in support.

Depression – a Quick Rundown

Depression is a mood disorder that negatively affects how a person thinks, acts, and feels. It isn’t a passing phase or momentary, and it’s different from the regular feelings or mood changes that we all go through. Instead, depression is persistent, and it affects a person most often by making them lose pleasure or interest in things that used to bring them joy.

As depression is deeper than a momentary experience, it’s something that someone can’t simply power through so that they get over it. Men experience depression just as other people do, but men will often have different coping mechanisms to deal with it. Some of these are healthy, but others are unhealthy and cause additional problems.

While the statistics seem to indicate that men are less likely to get depressed, that could be due to underreporting, as men may mask their symptoms of depression and not readily seek help. What’s concerning about this is that one of the signs of depression is thoughts of suicide, and men are more likely to commit suicide. This may be because men tend to act more impulsively and use more lethal means, and they show fewer warning signs.

Given all this, it’s helpful to be able to identify the common and not-so-common signs of depression in men so that one can get help as soon as possible.

Some Common (and Uncommon) Signs of Depression in Men

The signs of depression in men don’t always look the same as those in women. This is one of the first important things to note, and it’s one reason the number of men reporting that they have depression is often lower than the reality. If you’re looking for the wrong signs, you’ll miss what you’re looking for. Some of the signs of depression in men include the following:

Irritability and anger A man with depression may lose his temper and become easily irritated, angry, or aggressive when he wasn’t that way before.

Withdrawal and isolation Depression may result in pulling away from others, and that includes social activities, friends, and family.

Loss of interest in activities Along with withdrawal and isolation is also the reality that depression can render a man unable to take pleasure in and enjoy hobbies, sports, or other activities that once brought pleasure to him.

Changes in appetite and sleep A mood disorder like depression can affect one’s daily routines including changes in their eating habits which can impact a person’s weight. It can also disrupt sleep patterns, leading a man to sleep too much or to struggle to fall and stay asleep.

Fatigue and low energy When you don’t sleep well, that can combine with a general sense of ennui, leaving you feeling physically and mentally exhausted.

Cognitive difficulties Being depressed can leave a man struggling with concentrating or focusing, making decisions, or completing tasks. This can affect his life at home as well as at work.

Physical symptoms Some other signs of depression for a man include physical issues such as headaches, problems with his digestive system such as irritable bowel syndrome (IBS), muscle tension, back pain, or other physical complaints that don’t respond to regular treatments or have a clear cause.

Substance abuse In some men, one sign of depression is they may begin using alcohol or drugs to cope with their emotions, or they may increase their consumption of these substances.

Risky behavior Depression can result in a man engaging in reckless or impulsive behavior such as excessive spending, unsafe sex outside of the committed relationship, or reckless driving.

Increased libido In some instances, men with depression may experience an increase in their libido.

Hypervigilance Hypervigilance is when you’re constantly on edge or alert even in a safe environment with no danger present.

Hopelessness and guilt Depression can leave a man feeling hopeless, worthless, and guilty, despite his circumstances being otherwise.

Suicidal ideation and suicide attempts Depression may lead a man to have thoughts of death, and he may even attempt suicide.

A man may downplay his symptoms because he doesn’t want to admit to himself or other people that he may be struggling. Men also typically don’t open up easily about their feelings, especially when they’re struggling. As most people associate depression with sadness, they may miss that they are depressed because they don’t primarily feel sad.

Depression is also often masked in men. Sometimes, a man will bury himself in his work to avoid facing his emotions, as well as overexercise or engage in escapist behaviors like gaming, sports, hobbies, and interests to distract himself from his feelings or the state of his relationships. As you consider your husband’s symptoms, remember that depression manifests differently in each individual, and it’s crucial to seek professional help.

How to Support a Depressed Husband

If depression affects your husband, it descends on your whole household and affects your family, in the same way it would affect the family if you or any of your children were depressed. Depression might make your husband withdraw from your family; he might not be as emotionally available as he once was, and you may notice changes in his temper. What can you do if you see your husband struggling like this?

Standing in support of a loved one with depression can be challenging, but there are many ways a wife can helpfully support her husband. Depression is a mental health condition and not a personal failure. Some suggestions for how to do this include the following:

Providing emotional support This includes using your active listening skills. Give him room to express his feelings without judging, shaming, or interrupting him. Acknowledge and validate his feelings, even if you don’t understand what he’s going through.

Give practical support Some practical steps a wife could take include helping him with daily tasks such as household chores, preparing meals, doing school runs, and other responsibilities that may feel overwhelming for him.

You can support him in promoting habits such as healthy eating, getting enough sleep, exercising, taking his meds, and connecting with others. You can also encourage him to seek professional help and take him to his sessions.

One of the signs of depression is thoughts of death and suicide, and you can help practically by putting away items that may be used toward that end. If you have access to guns, for example, they can be unloaded, locked in a safe place, and trigger locks placed on the guns. If your husband is having thoughts of suicide, seek help. Call 911 if there’s immediate danger or contact a suicide hotline.

Make self-care a priority You are a key part of your husband’s support network, and that means you’ll carry some of his load. To be at your best as you perform that role, take care of your own physical and emotional well-being. You can seek support for yourself from a support group, trusted loved ones, or a therapist. Your therapist, for instance, will help to equip you with tools to better understand depression and navigate this condition.

Next Steps

Depression is a challenging mental health condition. If your loved one is struggling with it, they are in a world of hurt. The good news is that depression is treatable, and you can play a constructive role in helping them overcome it. Being a supportive and caring partner can help your loved one feel more comfortable sharing his struggles and seeking the help he needs to overcome depression.

To learn more about the help that a therapist can be to yourself or your depressed husband as he struggles with symptoms of depression, contact our office today.