How to Forgive When It Feels Hard

We have heard these words before. “I don’t even know where to start. I don’t think I can ever forgive them.” Forgiveness is messy. It doesn’t come naturally to us, flawed. Understanding how to forgive when it feels hard is a challenge.

When someone hurts you deeply, betrays your trust, or wounds your heart, holding onto anger can feel like the only form of justice within reach. The question that usually follows, though, is, “If I can’t forgive, does that mean I have to stay stuck here forever?”

The Weight of Unforgiveness

Many times, though carrying a grudge, we try to tackle the hurt. We might replay the hurt like a movie in our minds. He’d have entire arguments with himself in the shower, imagining how things would have been different if only he had said or done something different. We even practiced what he would say if the person who hurt him ever tried to apologize. The truth is, they may never will.

That’s the thing about unforgiveness. It tricks you into believing you’re holding power over someone else when, in reality, it’s holding power over you. It leaves you exhausted, emotionally drained, and bitter. The challenging question to ask yourself is, “Do you think this is how God wants you to live?” This is where change can begin. This is when you can learn how to forgive.

The Turning Point: Learning How to Forgive

Starting with the simple prayer, “God, help me let go,” you can begin to see change. Even if you think you’re not ready to let go. There really is no ready, just a willingness needed. That is where the journey starts to let God take the heavy weight you’re carrying.

Letting Go Isn’t Forgetting

One of the biggest misunderstandings about forgiveness is that it is about forgetting what happened or pretending that the hurt doesn’t matter. That’s not true. Forgiveness doesn’t erase the past, but it does reclaim the future. Forgiveness doesn’t mean living without boundaries or pretending the betrayal never happened. It simply means saying, “I’m not going to let this pain control me anymore.”

Forgiveness can also mean stopping mental arguments and releasing a need for an apology that may never come. It isn’t easy, unclenching a fist after holding onto something tightly for too long. However, eventually the release will bring about a sense of relief.

A Story Bigger Than Our Pain

Be kind and compassionate to one another, forgiving each other, just as in Christ God forgave you. — Ephesians 4:32, NIV

This is true, but also so hard. How do I forgive when I don’t feel like it? There are no easy answers in learning how to forgive. To remember that forgiveness isn’t about what someone deserves, it is rather about reflecting the grace that has been given. When you think about the ways you have fallen short in your life and the forgiveness God offers you, it makes forgiving others feel a little more possible.

The Freedom of Forgiveness

It is possible not to be angry or bitter, even if you are still hurt. The power of forgiveness begins to change you, even though it cannot change what happened in the past. If you’re struggling with how to forgive, it’s good to know it can take time. Forgiveness isn’t a quick fix or a single decision. It’s a process, one step at a time, one prayer at a time.

Start where you are, even if that’s just saying, “God help me to want to forgive.” Let Him take the burden you’ve been carrying. Trust that He’ll lead you to the freedom of forgiveness that your heart has been longing for.

Sometimes, to unknot forgiveness, counseling can help. A counselor is able to walk you through the thoughts, patterns, and hurts that fuel your ache and hesitancy to forgive. If you need the help of a counselor, reach out to our offices today. We can make an appointment for you with one of the many skillful therapists in our practice who can help you learn how to forgive.