How Jealousy Can Become Part of the Grieving Process

Many people have been taught that grief happens in stages, culminating in acceptance as a final stage. However, grief is far more complex, difficult, and unpredictable. It affects people in ways they might never have expected.

Although so few people talk about it, one of the most common aspects of the grieving process is jealousy. It is common for people to experience intense jealousy as they grieve, especially when they are reminded of all the precious and meaningful things that they have lost. Understanding why you are feeling jealousy as you grieve is an important part of coping, healing, and adapting to your life after the loss of a loved one.

The Injustice of Death

Everyone knows that death is inevitable, but when it comes, it always feels sudden, overwhelming, and unfair. There will be days when you remember your lost loved one fondly and even humorously, and days when you are consumed with regret, anger, and hopelessness. The dull ache of their absence is only made worse by the constant reminders that life simply goes on.

Your entire world might have crumbled when they died, but everyone else continued their lives oblivious to your pain. Not only that, but at some point, you were uncomfortably reminded that other people have what you are now missing.

There are many triggers to grief, and many reminders that death is sudden and unfair. Important dates, birthdays, holidays, and anniversaries are some of the most difficult times to navigate as a griever because they serve as stark reminders of all you now miss. Everywhere you look, you see people who still have their loved ones and lives that went unchanged.

What Jealousy in Grief Looks Like

You might never have been a jealous person until you began grieving. Now there are constant reminders of what you have lost that other people still have. Not many people share this particular part of the grieving process because they feel guilt, shame, or embarrassment over feeling jealous in their grief. However, when you consider some of the contexts of their jealousy, it makes sense that they should feel this way.

Jealousy in grief might look like:

• Being jealous of the relationships siblings have with each other when you have lost your sibling
• Being jealous of the survivors of an accident that claimed your loved one
• Being jealous of friends, family, or coworkers who have never experienced loss like you have
• Being jealous of happy families, especially during the holidays
• Being jealous of people in happy marriages after losing your spouse
• Being jealous of parents after losing your child
• Being jealous of healthy pregnant women after a miscarriage
• Being jealous of how others are supported in their grief when you feel alone in yours

Jealousy, on its own, is a complex emotion. It feels like a combination of anger, sadness, hatred, dissatisfaction, and emptiness. When you acknowledge your feelings of jealousy and begin peeling back the layers of emotions you feel, you will soon realize that, at its core, jealousy is about having unmet needs. That’s when it begins to make sense that jealousy is a common part of the grieving process; you have deep unmet needs as someone who has lost a loved one.

The Impact of Social Media on the Grieving Process

Grief is exhausting in every way, even physically. At some point in the grieving process, it is normal to seek out lighthearted distractions and fun interactions with others. Social media often feels like the perfect escape and distraction for times when things have become too intense and heavy.

With just a few scrolls on your phone, you can find humor, entertainment, conversation, and news on everything that is happening outside of your experience. However, this often comes with the caveat of seeing things that trigger your jealousy, frustration, and longing. It’s not that you want what others currently have. It is often a longing for the things you once had. That difference is important.

You are not a bad person for feeling intense jealousy over someone else’s life. You are also not a bad person for sometimes wishing that they could feel what you now feel. These thoughts and emotions show that you are lonely, that you are longing, that you have a hurt that can’t be easily healed, and a love that can’t easily be forgotten. You are not a bad person for feeling jealousy in grief; you are human with a broken heart, and there is a lot of grace for you.

Coping with Jealousy in Grief

Like many things in life, the best way to cope with jealousy in grief is to acknowledge it. It is simply a natural part of grief for many people, and not an indicator that something is wrong with you. You might be making your jealousy worse by dwelling on it or continuing to scroll the social media accounts you find triggering, but you are not to blame ultimately. Truthfully, no one is to blame.

One of the best things you can do as you grieve is to give yourself and others a break. For a while, you won’t have the same capacity you once did for even simple daily tasks. A lot of your mental bandwidth is now taken up by complex emotions and a survival instinct.

Similarly, people are not trying to provoke you to jealousy or anger as you grieve. They might be self-absorbed or tactless, but if they knew your emotional state, they would likely want to help if they could. That is especially true for your family, friends, and loved ones.

Remind yourself that this isn’t your new normal. Grief is messy and complex, and some people get stuck in it, but your emotions will calibrate, and your life will adjust. Time doesn’t heal all wounds, but you do begin to learn new methods of coping and new ways of communicating. If you are not okay now, that is okay. One day, you will be okay again.

Painted Memories

In her book series beginning with The Hunger Games, Suzanne Collins explores grief in a variety of vivid, helpful ways in the context of a young adult dystopian story. The characters in the book series have all been affected by loss and injustice to varying degrees, and many struggle to cope.

Two characters find one of the most helpful and beautiful methods of coping with the loss of so many loved ones. In a large book, one of them begins painting portraits of the people they have lost, while the other writes down notes on their character, like what their favorite things were and what they were most well-known for. This book becomes their primary way of holding all the pain, loss, and love together without forgetting the ones they lost.

The grieving process is something that no one heals from, and it doesn’t happen in neat stages. You will feel a variety of intense emotions at some point, and at other times you will feel numb to everything. You will worry that the memory of your loved one is fading, and at another point, you will dream vividly of them, as if they were still alive.

No one can tell you what to feel or how to cope, but you can find help if you feel stuck in grief. Cherish the memory of your loved one, and remember that you are not alone in whatever emotions you go through in grief.

If you would like to find a counselor to help you through the grieving process or a support group to attend, please get in touch with us. You might find help in our online catalog of counselors, or you can contact our reception team. We hope that you can find the support you need.