Addressing and Improving Intimacy Issues in Your Marriage

It is hard to sort through the varying opinions when it comes to sexual intimacy within a marriage. Many in the church won’t even talk about sex, much less God’s ultimate intention within it. We are left with a list of “do nots” and told to keep things private. There is a massive amount of shame and secrecy around sex and intimacy issues. God’s most intimate creation has become taboo.

Oppositely, it’s free love with no limits. Modern-day hedonists tell us to do as we please. As long as it’s two consenting adults – let bygones be bygones. Sex becomes transactional, with almost no emotional or mental repercussions involved. It’s all about pleasure and feeling good.

Neither side is correct.

For those in a marriage struggling to have sex be enjoyable for both sides, neither extreme offers a way to tackle this frequent reality.

Sex is deeply personal

There is nothing as vulnerable yet intimate and personal as sex. It can be the hardest thing to bring up and work through because it requires all of who we are and there is not only one answer or solution.

It is not only porn that creates false expectations around intimacy. Television and movies are full of unrealistic images of a woman’s ability to enjoy sex as easily as a man. Intimacy is rooted in the lie that all two people must do is strip down and the good times come.

Far too many churches won’t touch on sex, much less female enjoyment, in their services or pre-marital counseling. Intentional or not, too many of the church’s views on sex still focus on men alone, if they are willing to embrace the topic at all. But that is not what God wanted.

One flesh, two pleasures

That is why a man leaves his father and mother and is united to his wife, and they become one flesh. – Genesis 2:24, NIV

“One flesh” does not just speak to the joining of bodies that happens when we are intimate. It speaks to the emotional, the heart and soul of people, the mental, and yes, the physical.

A search of verses in the Bible around sex reveals no distinction between men and women enjoying it. In the Song of Solomon, both “he” and “she” have wants and desires, and neither side is tempered for the other. It is in the full expression of both their desires that a true “one flesh” happens. As counterproductive as it may sound, to enjoy better sex it might be better to take a step back.

This can be a hard discussion with a lot of pressure. It is not easy to know how to start or what to say. Our counselors are here to provide a safe place to discuss sex and what could change. Please call our offices. We are here to help.

Know thyself – and thy partner – to avoid intimacy issues

Sex is the ultimate expression of intimacy that we were made to enjoy with our spouses. The verse in Genesis implies we leave everything else behind to move into this union with a spouse. It is the pinnacle of why marriage exists. Once we get there, we often forget the pleasures and joys outside of it.

For sex to be enjoyable for both parties, it must be more than two parts of our bodies being involved. To address intimacy issues, spouses need to look at, and consider, the whole person.

Set aside a time to be intimate but keep your underwear on. Explore each other with your lips or your hands. We were meant to “unite” with the entirety of who we are – body, soul, and heart. For both partners to enjoy sex, it comes with communication, an awareness of the other, the safety to speak up, and the ability to slow down so both sides get the fullness of what God created.

Take your time. Find what makes your partner draw in breath or put their head back. What causes them to get goosebumps all over or to pull back because it fills them with delight?

Women do have pleasure spots. Men can find them and help their wives experience pleasure. Men, let this time be about her. Your wife enjoying sex more will make you enjoy sex more. The only way you will know she enjoys it is by taking time and listening to what she wants and needs.

Intimacy is more than sex. Don’t let it become the only goal. There is also foreplay, the pleasure of the other, knowing the other person, and what gets them going.

Give each other full-body massages. Add in oil. Bathe together. Make out on the couch. Let the relationship become about more than just sex.

God intended for both genders to enjoy sex. He created it to be an equal experience. He did not create women to please men. He made males and females with sexual desire and for the other to fulfill that desire (just go read the Song of Solomon!).

One way to address intimacy issues is to take a step back and re-discover the rest of who your spouse is. Have fun. Take your time. See the person anew. Your times together will only be better and more pleasurable as a result.

If you need help with intimacy issues, don’t hesitate to reach out to a compassionate Christian counselor in California. The licensed marriage counselors at California Christian Counseling can help you talk things out so you reach a better place with your spouse.