3 Tools to Overcome Patterns of Codependency in Parenting

Codependency in parenting is a learned behavioral pattern that can be particularly hard to spot in ourselves. We are accustomed to caring for our children, and we grow used to being needed.

But the definition of codependency is when one person in a relationship is deeply dependent on the other. It can be unhealthy for both the parent and child.

The signs to look for.

If you’ve wondered about your parenting tendencies, here are some warning signs to watch for.

First, are you a mom who has worked hard to give your daughter what she needs, but when she struggles to succeed, you are the one who has trouble with her lack of success? When one parent needs a child to fulfill her self-worth, it is a sign of codependency.

Second, if you struggle to admit wrongdoing or ask for your child’s forgiveness, codependency could be to blame. When a parent is overly controlling, it can be because he or she thinks that their way is always right. Thinking this way is damaging because it shows your child that you aren’t fallible and sets your child up for unrealistic expectations in the future.

Third, if you are a father, for example, who could never measure up to his dad, you might be more tempted to manipulate your son’s emotions. Telling him how to feel (or how not to feel) could accurately indicate that you are exhibiting codependent behavior.

Overcoming codependency in parenting.

Recognizing your codependent tendencies is a huge first step in overcoming them. But here are three tools to help parents grow into healthy relational patterns with their children.

1. Seek outside interests.

If you are a parent whose interests have typically revolved around your child, it’s time to think about hobbies or activities you enjoy that do not involve your child. Ask yourself, “What do I like to do?” If you enjoy tennis, take lessons or join a local tennis team.

Or if reading is something you like to do, then a book club is in order. The key is to find something that does not intersect with your child’s interests and well-being. This will help you avoid unhealthy codependency in your child’s life.

2. Take an inventory of your life’s seasons and stages.

This can be a productive tool if done with the support of a counselor. It can reveal your “wins” and “losses” through various life events. While the idea isn’t to do this so that you’ll feel bad about yourself, it is to recognize that your life has been full of ups and downs, highs and lows, victories and challenges.

Seeing your own life through a balanced grid helps you focus less on what you might perceive as your child’s weaknesses. You might see areas where you could have made different choices and, therefore, may want to seek forgiveness from someone in your life. That is healthy and a sign of positive self-awareness.

3. Ask about support groups if you are the child of an alcoholic or you were a juvenile caregiver for an ill parent.

Our offices can provide resources for you if your codependency in parenting stems from having to bear a burden as a child that was not role- or age-appropriate. Often, parents who struggle with codependency do so because they were raised in a home where codependent patterns had taken root.

Contact one of our offices, and we can help you find a counselor to guide you to a healthier pattern of parenting.