Tips for Parenting Teens

Bob Dylan once sang, “Your sons and your daughters are beyond your command, for the times they are a-changing,” and while it is not strictly true that we can’t command our children, he has something of a point. The times of our children’s lives are constantly changing, and this means some of our parenting styles might have to change too, especially when parenting teens.

When kids become teenagers, we might struggle as parents to know how best to give them the help they need. Decisions will arise, like how much space we need to provide them with versus how direct and hands-on we can be, or how we validate their emotions while also giving them sound advice. There is no one-size-fits-all as far as parenting teens go, but there are some things we must avoid and other things we would do well to prioritize.

Not children, but not quite adults

When it comes to parenting teens it is helpful to understand their psyche. The average teenager wants to be seen as an individual and be respected as an adult. As their parents, we might still see them as our babies, but no teen wants to hear that, and no teen wants to be infantilized. Teens can be self-absorbed, proud, and rebellious, but most of these attitudes are about them trying to establish their independence and gain respect from friends and family members.

The main motivation of the average teenager is to gain peer approval. We might see it as them working to impress friends (who might not be worthy of their time, in our opinion), but this is a vital part of teen development. It’s much deeper than being seen as “cool”; it is about gaining a sense of self-worth.

As parents, we can help or harm our teens by the way we treat them. Knowing that they want to be respected, have autonomy, and gain a self-established identity should inform the approach we take to parenting.

Things to avoid when parenting teens

Controlling them or doing things for them

Having a measure of control over our kids and doing things for them is largely what parenting is about for children and preteens. But teens are on the cusp of adulthood and independence, where one day they will live their own lives, have their own spaces, conduct their relationships, and manage their own money.

Not that we shouldn’t show care or concern for our teens, but we must refrain from micromanaging their lives. It’s reasonable to ask them to follow ground rules still, but we will do damage to them if we are overly strict and do not show trust in them.

Acting as though you understand them

There are few more infuriating things to teens than talking with an adult who assumes that they understand them.

Even though we have all been teens once and might have genuine insight into their lives, communicating in a way that makes it seem like we understand them can come across as dismissive and condescending. Teens want to know that you are taking the time to listen to them and value what they are saying (which is true of most adults, too).

Praising their achievements

We will often do this without realizing it because it feels so natural to praise our kids for what they have accomplished. Not that we shouldn’t praise our teen’s achievements, but teenagers are so driven to feel seen and affirmed that an emphasis on achievements can cause them to be unreasonably success-driven.

This can have disastrous effects on their adult lives and relationships, as they might have tied affection and appreciation to accomplishments. Failing to meet expectations might lead them to be risk-averse and afraid of failure.

Being dismissive of their feelings

Teens tend to cycle through many tumultuous emotions, and it can be hard to keep up with them. Many teens are prone to melodrama, either for effect or because they feel they aren’t being heard unless they exaggerate their emotional expressions.

One of the most damaging things we can do as parents is to be dismissive of their feelings. We might let slip phrases like, “Get over it,” or, “Quit it with the melodramatics!” because we have reached our limit, but this will hurt them and will drive a rift between us over time.

Instead, try this when parenting teens

Being supportive and helping them only when needed

The more space we give to our teens, and the more trust we show them, the more they will thrive. An illustrative example here is when kids learn to ride a bike: there is a point where we have to take the training wheels off and hold back to let them peddle their bikes and find their balance.

They might experience a moment of fear as they see us holding back, and they might crash and hurt themselves more than once, but they won’t learn if we keep the training wheels on or remain behind them, pushing them along. Giving distance to our teens while showing them that we are always available when they need us will give them the boost toward adulthood that they need.

Practice truly hearing and seeing them

Have you ever taken the time to sit back and marvel at your growing child? You might feel distant from them and might feel hurt by some of their life choices, but you won’t truly know what is going on with them until you stop, listen, and pay attention to them.

Listen, rather than scold. Ask open-ended questions before you lecture. It can take practice, but, as our grandmothers used to say, that’s why the good Lord gave us two ears, two eyes, and only one mouth.

Focus on praising their efforts

While we must not ignore our teen’s accomplishments, it’s healthier to place the emphasis not on the achievements but on their efforts. They get points for trying. They win your respect and gain your affection despite failing.

Validate their feelings

There might be a lot of feelings, and some of them may be exaggerated, but every teen needs to know that their feelings matter. If you don’t quite understand why they feel the way they do, discuss it and ask them questions.

If you disagree with them, you can state that, but only after acknowledging their feelings on the subject. The melodramatic teen might begin tempering their expressions or outbursts when they are assured that they are seen and heard and that their emotions are valid.

Paving the way

A lot of the time we make mistakes as parents because we weren’t parented well. It’s a harsh truth, but there is no perfect parent; everyone has baggage, and everyone’s parenting style is affected by that baggage. There will be many times that we mess up, say the wrong thing, or hurt our teens. They might even struggle to accept our flaws as parents and individuals, which in turn will affect us deeply.

It’s not important how many times we mess up as parents. What is important is that we try to understand the effect we can have on our teens as we parent them and try to do more of what helps them reach adulthood, independence, and autonomy. Few things are better than the relationship we will have with our adult children in the future. The way to ensure that is to take things one day at a time and try to hear, see, understand, and value our teens.

If you are struggling as a parent and would like someone to talk to, we can help. We can connect you to a professional counselor with whom you can unpack any baggage and gain some much-needed support. All sessions are confidential, and you are not tied to the first counselor you meet with if you feel you would rather speak to someone else. Contact us via phone or email for more information.