How to Heal Family Rifts

Family. This is one unit that is recognized universally. We are born into, adopted into, or married into a family. This unit of individuals usually forms the biggest part of our identity, culture, and sense of belonging. When it functions, the family unit is said to be the backbone of communities. As beautiful as the family unit is, it has, however, often been the cause of some of the greatest pain and trauma due to family rifts.

Family rifts and estrangements have inspired the work of many novels, movies, poetry, and many great works of art. Just like the universality of the family unit itself, across the world, we all understand what family rifts are and what that can do to a family.

Whether these family rifts are between couples, siblings, or extended family members, it is something the poor and the rich alike experience. Family rifts know no class, gender, age, race, or ethnicity; they affect us all.

When one speaks of family rifts, it is not a mere drifting apart of family members that usually happens as people grow older. Family rifts are a result of something significant happening that causes such great distress to a family member that they choose to remove themselves or cut themselves completely from the family unit. Sometimes a person does not get to remove themselves, but they are removed and cut away by the aggrieved family member.

The rifts can sometimes result in people not having contact with their family members for prolonged periods, and it is sad to say that some do not make contact or seek reconciliation.

Family rifts can be traumatic, lonely, distressing, and the cause of a lot of anxiety and depression in a lot of people. Because we are relational beings whose ability to thrive is related to family and community, rifts can leave those going through them in a desperate state.

Causes

Family rifts can be caused by a variety of issues. Below are some common reasons why:

• Differing value systems.
• Choice of partner.
• Communication breakdown.
• Clashing personalities.
• Abuse and trauma.
• Major life changes like divorce, severe illness, relocation.
• Conflict over inheritance and or money.
• Career choices.
• External influences like cultural expectations and societal pressures.
• A person’s sexual identity.
• Differing religious and political beliefs.
• Unresolved past grievances.
• Envy, competition, and jealousy among siblings.
• Problematic in-laws.
• Drug and alcohol abuse.
• Growing emphasis on individual well-being.
• Generational gaps and misunderstandings.

Effects of family rifts

Family breakdown

Tying to maintain healthy family dynamics can be a challenge if there have been rifts. The components that usually keep a family together are deeply compromised as people choose sides, become detached, or cut themselves off from the family altogether. Love, respect, honor, and trust can no longer exist in this set-up, so the family unfortunately breaks apart.

Shame and/or regret

Parents whose children have cut them off often report feelings of shame and regret. One reason is that people don’t talk openly about their experiences with estrangement, hence people feel isolated in their struggle which further deepens the wounds.

Social alienation

When someone chooses to cut themselves off from the family, though it might be the best decision, they will experience social alienation. This can be hard to deal with as they no longer have the love and support of their loved ones. This alienation can also give rise to feelings of loneliness.

Negative financial implications

This affects family rifts caused by costly custody battles or inheritance issues in the family. When financial matters cannot be resolved amicably it can be costly to all parties involved.

Anxiety and depression

When there is any breakdown in a family relationship there is deep emotional pain. Without the right help and assistance, this pain can cause the development of mental health issues like depression, anxiety, or PTSD in the case of abuse and trauma.

Feelings of rejection

Rejection is a deeply painful feeling. When there is a rift in the family, the members who have been cut off by a family member may feel a deep sense of rejection as they are not given access. The same goes for the person who has had to make the difficult choice to cut family members. The fact that their concerns were not listened to or addressed, and they were left with no choice but to make this difficult decision can feel like rejection.

Rumination

Rumination is the process of thinking of something repeatedly to the point that it becomes an emotional burden. Rumination can be difficult to live with as it causes deep feelings of hurt, anger, loneliness, shame, guilt, and grief. If not dealt with properly, family rifts can leave people stuck at the point of separation and never able to move on.

Physical ailments

Family rifts can result in tremendous stress and strain. Chronic stress is associated with physical health risks like high blood pressure, weakened immune systems, headaches, digestive problems, and heart problems.

How to heal from family rifts

It can be difficult to heal from family rifts. Regardless of who decided to leave and cut themselves off from the family, it still creates deep pain and hurt. Healing is needed for both the people who stay and the people who decide to leave.

Dr. Coleman has done extensive work with parents who have been cut off by their children. After having experienced it himself with his daughter, he decided to write about his experience and advice in his book Rules of Estrangement.

Dr. Coleman talks about doing the work by himself before going to start a reconciliation conversation with his estranged daughter at the time. His big takeaway was that for the first time, he allowed himself to see life from his daughter’s point of view, which in turn enabled him to take responsibility for his part in the rift and understand why his daughter cut him off.

Depending on the relationship, whether it’s parent to child, sibling to sibling, or a family member with another extended family member, it is vital to know that not all relationships can be mended.

This is especially true if there was abuse in the past or if there is ongoing abuse. For the sake of their mental health and quality of life, people who choose to cut off family members are not always as selfish as the world would want us to believe. Sometimes it comes from a deep place of self-preservation.

Healing in situations like this has to start with the self, preferably with a mental health professional. Working through the raw emotions of what the rift has caused can free individuals from a life imprisoned by hurt and bitterness. Healing is possible even without reconciliation, and it is also true that reconciliation does not automatically mean healing. Below are some suggestions one can take to start the journey:

• Accept your part in the rift, make amends where possible, and forgive yourself.
• Do not expect the other person to want to work things out or apologize, work with what is in front of you and free yourself.
• Seek professional help and a mediator if and when you want to initiate a conversation about reconciliation.
• Know and accept that some relationships cannot and should not be reconciled, especially in cases of an unrepentant abuser.
• Focus on self-care. The more you focus on developing yourself, the more you heal from past hurts.
• Permit yourself to grieve, especially if a relationship can’t be restored.
• Set boundaries. This will inform how much you engage and allow in your space so that you can safeguard your emotional and mental health.
• Invest in other relationships outside of your family. If there seems to be no resolution in the end, finding a group of friends or building a community around you can help with belonging and having a solid support structure.

Christian family therapy

Trying to deal with family rifts can be a confusing, difficult, hurtful, and lonely experience. If you or your family need assistance in trying to heal the broken pieces of your relationship, please do not hesitate to contact us. We offer specialized counseling to families or individuals ready to start the journey to healing. The trained counselors and therapists at California Christian Counseling will gently walk with you to find the healing you need.