The First Year of Marriage: Overcoming Unmet Expectations and Building a Stronger Bond

Remember the excitement of planning your wedding? The fairy-tale dresses, the picture-perfect moments, and the promises of ‘happily ever after.’ But what happens when the honeymoon phase fades, and real first year of marriage begins?

The danger of unrealistic expectations

Many couples enter the first year of marriage with the unrealistic expectation of maintaining the same easy, carefree bliss they experienced while dating. What they don’t consider are the added responsibilities, practical and financial, and the sometimes harsh realities of everyday life.

During the dating and engagement period, relationships are often filled with polite exchanges and loving embraces, so when the realities of shared lives, schedules, and finances hit, it can feel like you’re losing your equilibrium.

Dylan and Alexis: A case study in unrealistic expectations

Dylan wined and dined Alexis while they were dating. He sold his canoe to take her out to a fancy dinner and worked overtime to buy her the newest gaming system she had been eyeing. They got married in a fairy tale wedding and enjoyed a relaxing honeymoon on a tropical island.

But a month later, Alexis noticed that Dylan no longer brought her flowers and didn’t remember their one-month anniversary. When she asked him about it, he simply responded with “The honeymoon is over. This is real life.”

Analyzing the problem: a competitive mentality and high expectations

Some couples enter marriage on the high of a storybook romance. The unfortunate thing about most “perfect” romances is that they are temporary. Most couples can’t financially sustain “special occasion” mode for the duration of their marriage. Some people are willing to sacrifice a lot to “win” the heart of their love interest. They may sell their possessions or sacrifice their recreational budget to please their partner.

While most people who take this approach are happy once they have “won” the heart of their beloved, this is usually not a sustainable relationship model. They often resort back to their normal lifestyle. This leaves their partner confused as they thought this special treatment was the rule and not the exception.

This is a common occurrence, but it doesn’t mean it is good for a relationship. In our example, Dylan had a competitive mentality when trying to win Alexis’ heart. He looked at her as a prize that he could win, rather than focusing on their overall compatibility. His dating style was more goal-oriented than authentic.

While Dylan would likely not have been consciously dishonest, he misrepresented the future marriage to Alexis. From his perspective, he was giving his best to the person he loved, but instead, he was setting Alexis up for a false impression of their real life.

Alexis may have been influenced by Dylan’s pursuit of her, but she is not free of responsibility. She approached the marriage with high expectations and unrealistic viewpoints. Her reactions to his love and attention may have felt authentic, but she reinforced his behavior by showing him attention in return.

This may have set Dylan up to believe that her love was conditional and only offered when he made great sacrifices and larger-than-average ovations. Their story is a reminder that love in marriage is about more than grand gestures. It’s about creating a sustainable relationship built on mutual respect and understanding.

Moving forward: Building a sustainable marriage

So, where do they go from here? Dylan and Alexis need to learn how to communicate their love and their feelings authentically. Dylan needs to understand that marriage does require work and sacrifice. Though his dating model of extreme sacrifice is not sustainable, he can still show Alexis he loves her by offering her smaller, consistent gestures.

Alexis must also realize that Dylan cannot be expected to sacrifice all his own personal time and well-being just to prove his love. She needs to learn to be grateful for the small gestures that Dylan offers her instead of expecting larger tokens of his love or grand gestures. She must learn to love unconditionally, just as God loves us.

Both partners may find it difficult to overcome the established dynamics of their relationship. But God… God’s grace can transform even the most challenging situations. When your relationship feels overwhelming or less glamorous than expected, lean into faith.

Remember that love is not just about grand moments; it’s about everyday acts of kindness, patience, and forgiveness. By focusing on the heart of your marriage and nurturing it with care and devotion you can build a relationship on the firm foundation of Christ that will endure.

Helpful tips to overcome unmet expectations in your first year of marriage

Here are a few helpful tips to get you started on your way to balancing your expectations with reality and developing a more positive and authentic relationship with your spouse in your first year of marriage.

Be realistic

Be realistic of your expectations for your partner in the context of the real world. Getting married often means taking on responsibilities that were not present during your dating life. Measure your expectations against these new life responsibilities.

Be romantic

Romance doesn’t require a massive bank account or hours of preparation. Show your spouse how much you love them in consistent, small ways. This could mean remembering to buy your spouse’s favorite dessert when grocery shopping or completing one of their dreaded household chores.

Be grateful

Recognize that love isn’t only about grand gestures. It is found in everyday moments. Be grateful for the small gestures of love that your spouse gives you. Don’t make love conditional on the amount of time or money spent on a grand and glamorous love gesture. Be thankful that your spouse is consistently showing you love in small ways.

Be flexible

Be willing to adapt to changes and challenges. Flexibility in your expectations and responses helps you grow together rather than apart.

Be Christ-centered

Lean on your faith during difficult times. Praying together and seeking spiritual guidance can bring you closer and provide the strength needed to meet these challenges.

Seeking help: When therapy can make the difference

Sometimes, despite the best intentions, couples find themselves stuck in a pattern of miscommunication and unmet expectations. If you and your spouse find it difficult to overcome these challenges on your own, seeking professional help can be a wise and effective step.

Marriage counseling or couples therapy offers a safe space to explore your feelings, understand each other’s perspectives, and learn new ways to connect and communicate. A skilled therapist can help you identify underlying issues, teach you practical tools for improving your relationship, and guide you toward a deeper, more fulfilling partnership.

Therapy is not a sign of weakness or failure. It is a step toward strengthening your marriage. By investing in your relationship in this way, you are showing a commitment to growth and a willingness to do the hard work necessary to build a loving and lasting union.

If you’re considering therapy, remember that finding the right counselor is key. Look for someone who aligns with your Christian faith and values and who understands your unique situation.

Seeking the guidance from a pastor or spiritual mentor can complement professional therapy and give you an additional perspective. With the right support, you and your spouse can overcome challenges, rediscover the joy in your relationship, and build a future together that is rooted in love, faith, and mutual respect.

Embracing your first year of marriage together

Just because reality doesn’t always match fantasy doesn’t mean that marriage can’t be blissful. It’s about shifting expectations and embracing the journey with open eyes. While romantic media paints a picture of effortless love, real-life marriage requires effort, patience, and a willingness to adapt.

“Happily, ever after” stories sell books and movies, but they rarely reflect the reality for most couples. This disconnect between expectation and reality can be tough, but it is far from insurmountable.

Yes, the first year of marriage can be tough, but it’s also an opportunity to build a solid foundation on Christ and with your spouse. By facing these realities together and with love and compassion, you can grow stronger as a couple. Look at all the couples whose marriages have lasted. They got through the first year of marriage, and so can you.

To schedule an appointment with one of the Christian counselors in California, contact us today at California Christian Counseling.