The Upsides and Downsides of a Long-Distance Relationship

These days, being in a long-distance relationship has become increasingly common. With the rise in popularity of dating apps and social media, people are now meeting their significant others and maintaining the bulk of their relationships in different states and time zones.

On the other hand, many couples are forced to be long-distance for a season due to work or continued education. Geographical distance doesn’t have to equate to emotional distance in a relationship, though. With some experience, insight, and effort, a period of long distance can bring exciting new dynamics to your relationship.

The Downsides of a Long-Distance Relationship

Long distances present obvious challenges to a relationship: missing physical contact with your partner, experiencing strained communications (especially when time zones are involved), and simply feeling lonely without their physical presence in your life.

Long distances affect couples by forcing them to adjust to different types of communication. Not everyone feels comfortable with written communication, and video calling is triggering for many in this post-pandemic world. Those who rely mainly on written communication like emails or text messages, often find that communication becomes more intense and direct than face-to-face communication.

With face-to-face communication, people make use of subtle things like eye contact, body language, and non-verbal forms of communication. Without the option of these in a long-distance relationship, partners have to rely on bodies of text to convey information. Although it’s efficient, it can also become laborious and intense.

If the relationship was a sexual one, the lack of physical intimacy might have a deep emotional impact on the time apart. The parts of the relationship that brought intimacy and joy are easy to take for granted. There can be no long-distance substitute for a cuddle or a goodnight kiss.

Filling in the Gaps

One of the things the brain does during distance is that it fills in the gaps. Too much time alone makes for too much time to think. If there have been small offenses that were never addressed, or if either partner is prone to overthinking and analyzing everything, they might go into overdrive during a period of long distance. Our brains can fill in the gaps and jump to conclusions in the cruelest of ways.

Things like jealousy, possessiveness, and insecurity have a way of coming to the surface during times of long distance. Sometimes there is a fear that if I share this particular worry, it will open a can of worms that a struggling relationship might not be ready to face.

These concerns and hurts end up getting suppressed and never confronted, which can make for more tension in an already strained relationship. Statistically, it is jealousy and doubts that cause most long-distance relationships to end.

If this is the first time the couple has spent time apart, it can feel overwhelming. A newlywed couple who was just adjusting to life together now having to endure long weeks apart is an emotionally tumultuous thing to face.

Some people have an anxious attachment style, and they simply don’t cope when they can’t get their preferred amount of verbal assurance and comfort from their partner’s presence. These types of people are most likely to overthink and stress about the relationship when it’s long distance.

Adopting a Positive Mindset

How could there be any upsides to a long-distance relationship? Navigating distance in a relationship is mostly about adopting a positive mindset, hard as that is to do sometimes. Maintaining intimacy, honesty, and affection in a long-distance relationship requires effort and intentionality. You have to actively look for opportunities and use them to improve your mental health and the health of the relationship.

It’s an opportunity to check in with yourself

Some people naturally struggle with being alone. Maybe they grew up in a large family, or simply always had friends around outside of their romantic relationships. It can be scary having to adjust to being alone, but it is also an opportunity to take stock of your health and well-being.

You can do this in the moments that you are not connecting with your long-distance partner. Simply become aware of how you are doing, physically, and deep down. Moments like the commute to work, a lunchtime walk in the park, the gym, or preparing breakfast are little windows of time for self-reflection.

It’s not often that we are aware of how much we’ve grown, or the personal progress we’ve made. Make the most of your time alone and learn to be comfortable in your own company. This does not minimize the value of your partner. However, it is healthy when we recognize and appreciate our identity.

A relationship is rich because of your personal histories and individual experiences. There is value in small moments of solitude. They give perspective and, as the old saying goes, absence truly does make the heart grow fonder.

It’s a time to reconnect with your spirituality

If you are a person of faith, being alone for a period is often the perfect moment to turn to God in prayer and meditation. Scriptures and affirmations can be sustained in the moments apart, and praying for your partner increases intimacy, despite the distance.

As in the story of Elijah, he encountered a fire, a storm, and an earthquake, but it was in the silence and stillness that he heard God’s voice. Being alone for any period is the perfect opportunity to draw near to the God who connected your life to your partner’s.

Learn to communicate in a different way or at a deeper level

Even with long-distance relationships, people can fall into a rut in the connection. As each of you adapts to the change, it’s natural to find comfort in repetition. However, this dynamic can become stale quickly. Too much deep conversation or not enough of it can damage the connection.

Ideas to Build Connection in a Long-Distance Relationship

Here are some things you can do to keep the long-distance communication fresh.

Digital dating

Go for a picnic or a long walk with your partner on the phone. Bear in mind that if you are in a public place, you might draw attention for seeming to talk or laugh to yourself. It might feel awkward at first, but going on digital dates with your partner can be a fun and creative way to keep the connection fresh.

Including them in mundane chores

Similar to the dates, you could video call your partner to spend average evenings at home with them. Mundane activities like doing laundry with them on a video call, making dinner together, or catching up on a Netflix series together will ensure that you are not always communicating at a deep level.

Looking to the Future

Long-distance relationships require more effort than face-to-face relationships, but there are many creative ways that you can keep the connection fresh. Long distance means adapting to new forms of communication, new rhythms of the relationship, and making clever use of your free time to not forget about your mental health and spiritual life.

If you are in a long-distance relationship and struggling with aspects of it, you might want to talk to a counselor in California about it. It is always good to have that extra support, and sometimes talking to someone about your long-distance relationship makes it feel “real” again. If you’re unsure where to start to find a counselor, we’ve got you covered. Simply reach out to us at California Christian Counseling and we’ll find someone suitable for you.